keep your friends secrets to yourself not how you feel about me!

I am so afraid to open up and let him back in. I have been burnt too many times before. I truly think I'm afraid of having a relationship again. I sit and find little things to nit pick at and I pick and pick until it becomes a huge problem in my own head. He may not be open and may not know how to really act but maybe that is just part of his personality, should I really be holding it against him? Part of me wants to stop and make it work and the other part says why take the time if he isn't either. I hate how guys think we are all high maitence... it isn't true. You know we like you because we tell you we do. We smile and laugh at your jokes or stories that aren't even funny, can't take our eyes off yours, or go out of our way to do something really nice for you. A kiss is a good hint too. If I kiss a guy Im sorry but its a suddle hint that I like him not a hint that Im up for a booty call... Its not hard to figure out a girl but guys give misleading feelings all the time. They need to grow up. If you're going to kiss me back when I kiss you and tell me you like me and take the time to get to know me and hang out with me when you dont have to Im going to feel like it's a little bit more then friends not just a way for you to get a piece. GUYS NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND START TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS! Im sick of guessing and not really knowing what is going on. Keep your friends secrets to yourself not how you feel about me!


Love ya,
dork
xoxo

Uh Oh...

Well people I have come across a huge problem which unfortunatly I cannot share... Luckly I have britt to guide me and well now she and I know what we have to do. Our problems are about to explode in our faces but what has to be done will be done. Just wish us good luck!

rambling on...

It's 9:20 and I've been sitting in BBT for the past 20 minutes but it has felt like a lifetime. It's one of those days that just drag on and on. I have nothing to do in this class so Im listening to music and updating a post for Brittany. Tomorrow is the dance! I'm so excited. The girls should be coming over to get ready and of course we'll make it seem like it's a huge thing and go all out. It's pretty sad when you get this excited over a dance. It can be so boring around here.

So ever feel like everything is just going wrong and nothing will ever go right again?! Because I most definetly feel like that right now. Every time I feel like Im getting ahead in life I get sucked right back behind and everything sucks again.

People I don't know what to do with myself when it comes to Eric. One minute he's acting weird the next he is great and I couldn't be happier. He's gone and gotten grounded which makes it all the harder. It sucks to just start a relationship and then not be able to see the guy for like 3 weeks... 5 minutes inbetween some classes is not quality time at all and it's poop. I really really REALLY like him though. So I'm definetly putting my best foot forward in this situation.

Ummm.... My sister moved in. Everyone has kind of stayed away from the house since then. Before when she was home she was always crabby and what not. I was really afraid to mess with her and I don't know wheither it's a good thing or not that she is back. It will take time to figure out how it is going to be now. I really don't want someone who is going to be chewing off my ear all the time and always getting mad at everything I do. The plus is all my clothes are reappearing and I have like a whole new dresser full of my clothes.

Its a month and 22 days until my birthday! So excited. I'll be able to drive finally! I haven't done anything for my birthday in like 11 years so this year I plan to go ALL OUT! SUPER PUMPED!

Brithday wish list:
1) A pony
2) A new car (NEW meaning not used not as in new to me but used)
3) A shopping spree
4) An ice cream cake, Kraft Dinner, and Greco
5) A little necklace or ring
6) Slip and Slide
7) Side walk chalk (Never gets old)
8) A gym membership
9) All my friends with me
10) My certain wish from "HIM" (Jen, Britt, Julia, Chriso, Bex you all know what I mean... SO GET ON IT)
11) A super party
12) SHOES SHOES AND MORE SHOES
13) Movies (Hope floats, or the notebook are most acceptable)
14) Giraff (Bex still waiting on that from last year)
15) The backstreet boys (they = LOVE!)

so anyway thats all for now I will be sure to add more in the near future...


Ttyl
Love you,
Dork xox

Oh I think I should add a shout out to Trevor G. He was killed in an accident on the weekend. He was hit by a car while he was riding his bike. He and his family will be in my prayers and the prayers of so many others. He will be greatly missed. R.I.P.

These past few weeks have been up and down, happy and sad. There seems like there is no end in sight for the bad and the good is just beginning.
R.I.P Jared and Leo - I miss you both!

Last night was Sam's sweet sixteen birthday dinner. Congrats sammy-kins. Today is her actual birthday which was really too bad. There was also Jared's funeral. It was a sad time for a lot of people but so many showed up to pay their respects. He was truly loved. "Only the good die young".

Good news, I met someone :) I am so happy! I love it...
*sigh* I feel like such a little kid, butterflies in the tummy and awkward first kisses... It's a great feeling to have again.

Friend scene has been pretty messed up lately. I don't even know what to think. I'm upset one minute and the next I don't care anymore... This past week has shown a great lesson but it is hard to follow. Where two kids lost their lives at such a young age and for reasons that should have never been there. It showed me to not hold grudges, that every conversation might just be your last, and every impression you make can be an ever lasting one. I could never live with myself if I said something to hurt someone or not let them know I cared and it be the last time I saw them. Friends and family are important and everyone should just take the time to let everyone close and ones even closer know that you them.

So... I just wanted some of the following know how much I loved them friends, family, and all:
Julia, Becky, Brittany, Jen, Sam, Chris, Chriso, Eric, Jared, Leo, Mom, Dad, Gram and Grams, aunts uncles and cousins, Jay, Adam, Gabby, Alex, Amy, Tom, Gerret, Mikey!, Jessica, Matt, Katie, Sammy-boo, Jessi, Manda, Andrew, Brett, Jordan, Kyle, Eric M, Nathan, Emily, Erin, Arron, Travis, Troy, Colin, Danielle, Stephanie, Katelyn, Christa, Kimber, and all the rest of you crazy fools :)

hehe just had to name a few... Anyway I love you all so much. You mean the world to me! I wouldn't want it any other way.


Eric dear, so glad we met! You make life interesting and me so happy! You don't even know how much you have helped me this week without even trying. You're amazing and so glad I have you in my life now... More fun times and awkward kisses to come lol :)

Love ya Dork!
-xoxo

Thoughts

She sits in a dark corner unknown to the world,
Rocking back and forth the tears keep coming.
Nothing is running through her head,
the thought never crossed her mind.
Cars stream past and sirens scream in the distance,
the thought never crossed her mind.
For some reason it was all falling apart,
but the thought never crossed her mind...

So why did it have to cross his?

In loving memory
Love you Dork

I don't really have anything to say these days. Things happen good and bad but nothing worth writing about these days. Writing about dreams and hopes just are pointless now because reality is that things usually don't work the way you want, you can try to make them happen but just because you try doesn't mean they will. Reality is the world is screwed up and no way to fix it. That friends are there but don't always stay friends. That love is there and sometimes is broken. "Move on to bigger and better things. Don't dwell on the past, think of the future. When Life knocks you down, get back up and dust yourself off." All things I can't do! I am living in the past with a hope that my past will be my future. That friends will return and that's where my bigger and better things lie.

"I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it.
Where ever I go, you go, my dear.
Whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling."

Well its all true I can't close my eyes without thinking of the ones I love and how much I miss them. They are always close by in my heart but I need them here with me too! They tought me what I know and I couldn't be where I am today without their teachings. Broken hearts, failed friends ships, fights with friends, the passing of loved ones all turn to life lessons.

One word from you, one thats all. I want to turn and run away from the pain and heartache but my knees turn to jello. You always knew how to make me do that. Your smile brought the biggest one to my face. It was contageous. One sweet thing you said about us that I knew was true could turn a frown to a peace of mind. You were my everything and still are. You were my insperation and my will. Now all I have of you is a photograph on my wall and memories placed in a box sitting open and spread all over my floor. That's what we have come to. Do you remember the better times. Late night talks, hugs and kisses, OUR suppers, walks, sitting and not saying anything at all but knowing exactly what the other was thinking. You loved me I know you did. Why did you have to leave me? I miss you. I wish you could still be here. I think that I'll be okay and then there is another memory smacking me in the face and I miss you all over again and know Im not okay. I love remembering but remembering only brings you back until the memory is over. It doesn't bring you back indefinetly. I really need you back. I need you to make my hopes return and my dreams believable. Because you are my dream and my hopes your my future and my friend.


In Loving Memory
Love you,
Dork

Show me, please

Show me someone who knew me better and I'd know nothing.
I never knew what magic was until you showed me.
You made me smile like no one else.
Your touch made me go weak in the knees.
Show me someone who ever cared more then you and I just wouldn't care anymore.
I will never have more then what you gave me.
You made me whole, you showed me I was incomplete.
I would never take back a memory with you.
I'd never change a single moment.
You gave me a past.
You showed me a brighter future.
You made me feel so good about myself.
You showed me I had so many faults.
If you could would you do it again?
You turned on me with a single blink of the eyes.
You took away any meaning of life.
You put a black spot on everything that I cared about.
Help me find meaning again?