. . . A.New.Beginning . . .

keep your friends secrets to yourself not how you feel about me!

2006-05-03T05:07:00.000-07:00

I am so afraid to open up and let him back in. I have been burnt too many times before. I truly think I'm afraid of having a relationship again. I sit and find little things to nit pick at and I pick and pick until it becomes a huge problem in my own head. He may not be open and may not know how to really act but maybe that is just part of his personality, should I really be holding it against him? Part of me wants to stop and make it work and the other part says why take the time if he isn't either. I hate how guys think we are all high maitence... it isn't true. You know we like you because we tell you we do. We smile and laugh at your jokes or stories that aren't even funny, can't take our eyes off yours, or go out of our way to do something really nice for you. A kiss is a good hint too. If I kiss a guy Im sorry but its a suddle hint that I like him not a hint that Im up for a booty call... Its not hard to figure out a girl but guys give misleading feelings all the time. They need to grow up. If you're going to kiss me back when I kiss you and tell me you like me and take the time to get to know me and hang out with me when you dont have to Im going to feel like it's a little bit more then friends not just a way for you to get a piece. GUYS NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND START TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS! Im sick of guessing and not really knowing what is going on. Keep your friends secrets to yourself not how you feel about me!

Love ya,
dork
xoxo

Uh Oh...

2006-05-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well people I have come across a huge problem which unfortunatly I cannot share... Luckly I have britt to guide me and well now she and I know what we have to do. Our problems are about to explode in our faces but what has to be done will be done. Just wish us good luck!

rambling on...

2006-04-27T05:17:00.000-07:00

It's 9:20 and I've been sitting in BBT for the past 20 minutes but it has felt like a lifetime. It's one of those days that just drag on and on. I have nothing to do in this class so Im listening to music and updating a post for Brittany. Tomorrow is the dance! I'm so excited. The girls should be coming over to get ready and of course we'll make it seem like it's a huge thing and go all out. It's pretty sad when you get this excited over a dance. It can be so boring around here.

So ever feel like everything is just going wrong and nothing will ever go right again?! Because I most definetly feel like that right now. Every time I feel like Im getting ahead in life I get sucked right back behind and everything sucks again.

People I don't know what to do with myself when it comes to Eric. One minute he's acting weird the next he is great and I couldn't be happier. He's gone and gotten grounded which makes it all the harder. It sucks to just start a relationship and then not be able to see the guy for like 3 weeks... 5 minutes inbetween some classes is not quality time at all and it's poop. I really really REALLY like him though. So I'm definetly putting my best foot forward in this situation.

Ummm.... My sister moved in. Everyone has kind of stayed away from the house since then. Before when she was home she was always crabby and what not. I was really afraid to mess with her and I don't know wheither it's a good thing or not that she is back. It will take time to figure out how it is going to be now. I really don't want someone who is going to be chewing off my ear all the time and always getting mad at everything I do. The plus is all my clothes are reappearing and I have like a whole new dresser full of my clothes.

Its a month and 22 days until my birthday! So excited. I'll be able to drive finally! I haven't done anything for my birthday in like 11 years so this year I plan to go ALL OUT! SUPER PUMPED!

Brithday wish list:
1) A pony
2) A new car (NEW meaning not used not as in new to me but used)
3) A shopping spree
4) An ice cream cake, Kraft Dinner, and Greco
5) A little necklace or ring
6) Slip and Slide
7) Side walk chalk (Never gets old)
8) A gym membership
9) All my friends with me
10) My certain wish from "HIM" (Jen, Britt, Julia, Chriso, Bex you all know what I mean... SO GET ON IT)
11) A super party
12) SHOES SHOES AND MORE SHOES
13) Movies (Hope floats, or the notebook are most acceptable)
14) Giraff (Bex still waiting on that from last year)
15) The backstreet boys (they = LOVE!)

so anyway thats all for now I will be sure to add more in the near future...

Ttyl
Love you,
Dork xox

Oh I think I should add a shout out to Trevor G. He was killed in an accident on the weekend. He was hit by a car while he was riding his bike. He and his family will be in my prayers and the prayers of so many others. He will be greatly missed. R.I.P.

2006-03-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks have been up and down, happy and sad. There seems like there is no end in sight for the bad and the good is just beginning.
R.I.P Jared and Leo - I miss you both!

Last night was Sam's sweet sixteen birthday dinner. Congrats sammy-kins. Today is her actual birthday which was really too bad. There was also Jared's funeral. It was a sad time for a lot of people but so many showed up to pay their respects. He was truly loved. "Only the good die young".

Good news, I met someone :) I am so happy! I love it...
*sigh* I feel like such a little kid, butterflies in the tummy and awkward first kisses... It's a great feeling to have again.

Friend scene has been pretty messed up lately. I don't even know what to think. I'm upset one minute and the next I don't care anymore... This past week has shown a great lesson but it is hard to follow. Where two kids lost their lives at such a young age and for reasons that should have never been there. It showed me to not hold grudges, that every conversation might just be your last, and every impression you make can be an ever lasting one. I could never live with myself if I said something to hurt someone or not let them know I cared and it be the last time I saw them. Friends and family are important and everyone should just take the time to let everyone close and ones even closer know that you them.

So... I just wanted some of the following know how much I loved them friends, family, and all:
Julia, Becky, Brittany, Jen, Sam, Chris, Chriso, Eric, Jared, Leo, Mom, Dad, Gram and Grams, aunts uncles and cousins, Jay, Adam, Gabby, Alex, Amy, Tom, Gerret, Mikey!, Jessica, Matt, Katie, Sammy-boo, Jessi, Manda, Andrew, Brett, Jordan, Kyle, Eric M, Nathan, Emily, Erin, Arron, Travis, Troy, Colin, Danielle, Stephanie, Katelyn, Christa, Kimber, and all the rest of you crazy fools :)

hehe just had to name a few... Anyway I love you all so much. You mean the world to me! I wouldn't want it any other way.

Eric dear, so glad we met! You make life interesting and me so happy! You don't even know how much you have helped me this week without even trying. You're amazing and so glad I have you in my life now... More fun times and awkward kisses to come lol :)

Love ya Dork!
-xoxo

Thoughts

2006-03-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

She sits in a dark corner unknown to the world,
Rocking back and forth the tears keep coming.
Nothing is running through her head,
the thought never crossed her mind.
Cars stream past and sirens scream in the distance,
the thought never crossed her mind.
For some reason it was all falling apart,
but the thought never crossed her mind...

So why did it have to cross his?

In loving memory
Love you Dork

2006-02-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to say these days. Things happen good and bad but nothing worth writing about these days. Writing about dreams and hopes just are pointless now because reality is that things usually don't work the way you want, you can try to make them happen but just because you try doesn't mean they will. Reality is the world is screwed up and no way to fix it. That friends are there but don't always stay friends. That love is there and sometimes is broken. "Move on to bigger and better things. Don't dwell on the past, think of the future. When Life knocks you down, get back up and dust yourself off." All things I can't do! I am living in the past with a hope that my past will be my future. That friends will return and that's where my bigger and better things lie.

"I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it.
Where ever I go, you go, my dear.
Whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling."

Well its all true I can't close my eyes without thinking of the ones I love and how much I miss them. They are always close by in my heart but I need them here with me too! They tought me what I know and I couldn't be where I am today without their teachings. Broken hearts, failed friends ships, fights with friends, the passing of loved ones all turn to life lessons.

One word from you, one thats all. I want to turn and run away from the pain and heartache but my knees turn to jello. You always knew how to make me do that. Your smile brought the biggest one to my face. It was contageous. One sweet thing you said about us that I knew was true could turn a frown to a peace of mind. You were my everything and still are. You were my insperation and my will. Now all I have of you is a photograph on my wall and memories placed in a box sitting open and spread all over my floor. That's what we have come to. Do you remember the better times. Late night talks, hugs and kisses, OUR suppers, walks, sitting and not saying anything at all but knowing exactly what the other was thinking. You loved me I know you did. Why did you have to leave me? I miss you. I wish you could still be here. I think that I'll be okay and then there is another memory smacking me in the face and I miss you all over again and know Im not okay. I love remembering but remembering only brings you back until the memory is over. It doesn't bring you back indefinetly. I really need you back. I need you to make my hopes return and my dreams believable. Because you are my dream and my hopes your my future and my friend.

In Loving Memory
Love you,
Dork

Show me, please

2005-12-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

Show me someone who knew me better and I'd know nothing.
I never knew what magic was until you showed me.
You made me smile like no one else.
Your touch made me go weak in the knees.
Show me someone who ever cared more then you and I just wouldn't care anymore.
I will never have more then what you gave me.
You made me whole, you showed me I was incomplete.
I would never take back a memory with you.
I'd never change a single moment.
You gave me a past.
You showed me a brighter future.
You made me feel so good about myself.
You showed me I had so many faults.
If you could would you do it again?
You turned on me with a single blink of the eyes.
You took away any meaning of life.
You put a black spot on everything that I cared about.
Help me find meaning again?

I just wanted you to know...

2005-11-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. You have the potential to go further in life then you could ever imagine. I look at you with admeration and respect. You have a face no person could turn away and have a heart that is more forgiving then anything ever created. Your dreams can lift you and take you higher then anything. If you are down just think of all you are and what you can be. You inspire me to be a better person. I think of all that you've been through and you just smile and walk your way through it. I think about it all the time and wish I had your courage. You see the good in every situation and use it to your advantage. You live life to it's fullest and shake everything off. A lot of people wish they could do that. I know you are hurting inside right now and don't want to show it but it's always nice to let it out by times. Carry on with a head held high, I will be there when you decide to fall. I will catch you with open arms and give you a sholder to cry on. You've been hurt too many times and I'm just here to say I want to help. You're an inspiring person, you are. Thank you for helping me and not even knowing it. Thanks for the wake up calls and the brutal honesty.
-Thank you

2005-11-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

First SnowFall of The Year Today

This is your reality check

2005-11-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Reality Check!
GIRLS AREN'T SLUTS FOR HAVING GUY FRIENDS.
It's a complicated situation but a guy liked me and thought we were together when we weren't. The minute I told him we weren't he totally freaked out. He thought it was okay to call me a bitch for it. He shows up to a hockey game when I'm there with two girl friends and one guy friend. Even though the girls outnumbered the guy 3 to 1 and he could have possibly been one of the other two girls' boyfriend, he chose to think he was with me and got more upset. When I got home that night I was supposed to go out, I had plans with some guys and girls but I had known the guys longer so I felt more comfortable making plans with them. I left a message for them to call me in my msn name and he assumes from that I'm sleeping with four seperate guys because he started to call me a slut when I wasn't even there. WHERE DOES HE ACTUALLY GET OFF THINKING THATS OKAY?! It is never right to call anyone those things whether they deserve it or not.

WHEN CAN YOU FALL IN LOVE?
I think you can fall in love at any time. Way back when, you could get married while you were still a teen and most people would stay together until they died. My grandparents fell in love at the age of 16 and they have been together ever since. Love is love. No one can say when it will come or if it will even last. No one can say you will only fall in love once because you can fall for as many people you want it's the great love, the love of all time that really counts. You love all your family right? You don't just have to love one parent not both. You don't have to choose between what friends you love? AND LOVE IS LOVE. There is not just one love. Love may come in different intensities, but when it all boils down to it, love all means the same thing. Someone you can't always live with but you couldn't imagine living without them. Someone who you would do anything for and travel to the ends of the earth to see. Someone who makes you smile and brightens your day. Someone who you don't always understand but you wouldn't want to spend all your time on trying to figure someone else out on. Someone you can get in fights with and make up quickly if you want to but you keep yelling just to hear the sound of their voice or because they get all pouty cute. You can find love anywhere at anytime all you need to do is understand it.

MAGIC IS REAL
Magic isn't just little card tricks or linking chains, magic is something you find inside. Magic can be an amazing night you didn't think would ever happen, to meeting the someone of your dreams. Magic is always what you make of it. Those who don't believe in magic have a dull and boring life. They have an explination for everything. I like to believe in the magic and the things that have no explination, the things that are too good to be true.

My Only Love

2005-11-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

I had been standing waiting outside for what seemed like forever. It was freezing and the wind nipped at my nose. It was red I could tell. The cars sped past. I looked at each child in the car wishing it was me sitting in their seat where it was nice and warm. I rumaged through my purse looking for my cellphone. I knew it was burried in the bottom of it somewhere. Finally I found it. I pulled it out and looked at the time, 8:28. I sighed and tossed the phone into my jacket pocket. I knew my bus should be arriving soon. I stood with my arms crossed and tapped my foot to a random beat in my head. I wiggled trying to get warm. A car rushed past and the chill from the air made me pull my jacket a little bit tighter. The cars kept coming and going but time seemed to stand still. School bus after school bus passed me. All of a sudden one caught my eye. I saw him. It was breif but it was the first time in weeks. A smile crossed my face as our eyes met. It felt like it was before. I watched the bus go past until it rounded the corner. I was watching as if I was waiting for the bus to stop and him to come back. I started to giggle as my friend met me at our stop."What took you so long?" I asked him.
"More like why are you laughing?" He answered knowing very well who I had seen. He smiled and gave me a hug. I closed my eyes and envisioned him. I pulled a little bit tighter. Seeing his face brought back so many memories. A few tears ran down my face. The cold stung it. Once again I wished that we were together. I wished that he would come to my house just to kiss me and tell me everything would be okay. The bus pulled up and my friend and I mounted it. I rushed to the back and took a seat by myself. I stared out the window unaware of the people around me. My head was still stuck on him.
After a 15 minute bus ride the bus pulled to my stop. The person sitting next to me got up and knocked me out of my day dream. The doors opened as the cold air rushed through them. I buttoned up my jacket and pulled my purses out from under the seat.
All the way to school I passed couples walking hand in hand. I crossed the street just to get away from the disappointment. All I wanted was for him to say I was the love of his life. The only love of his life. I hung my head for the rest of the walk pulling my bags closer and feeling more disappointed with every person that passed. I thought more and more of my dream. The tears welled up in my eyes just long enough for me to whisper "I wish I was the love of your life, but I know you're the love of mine."
That day I felt like my heart broke a little more and only he could make it whole again, because the day he left me he took away bits and pieces of it. They are the pieces that can only be filled with his love. They are the pieces that will always belong to him. They are the pieces that will let him know I love him forever.

2005-11-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

Lose one friend
Lose all friends
Lose yourself...

...I know the feeling

Lose it all

2005-11-04T19:46:00.000-08:00

We are doing penny fest at Saint John High this week. All donations are given to the empty stocking fund. My dad came down the other night to talk to me about it.

He came in the house and sat down on the chair by the door. I knew this ment he wouldn't be staying long. He reaked of liquor, not just off his breath, I knew he had been home drinking all day. My dad seems so much friendlier, deeper, more intouch with his emotions when he has been drinking. "Sit Down Lindsay. We need to talk and you aren't going to like what I have to say." I pulled up a seat and sat there with a smile on my face knowing whatever he had thought up tonight had to be somewhat enjoyable. "I will donate all the money I have as long as you give back what I put in. It won't be easy and whatever titles you get at school for rasing all this money will not just be something that you won't remember in a couple days time. You really have to work for it this time."

So many things in life I don't have to work for. If I want or need something I ask politly to my mom and she goes out most of the time and gets me it. Grades in school come easily to me and I don't have to study or work hard. Most things in my life are planly handed to me, no questions asked.

"Okay Dad, what is this big plan you have in store for me tonight?" I looked at him with a big grin on my face as if to say, 'Nothing too hard please'. He got a look in his eye that I knew this was not going to be something easy at all.

"I will give you all this money but your ass is going to be mine. I want you to volenteer at the Romaro House serving soup. You only have to do it once but I garentee once you go there and see how these people are living that soft little heart of yours will break and you will want to go back time and time again." I started to feel frustrated because he knows just how to make me do something that will break my heart into a million pieces. "I want you to know how luck you are to have what you have..."

He started into a great big shpeel about his life. My dad grew up without a father figure. His mom loved him to no end but he and his sister were extremly poor. They didn't have nearly as much as I do now. He felt sorry that he isn't here for us and he knows the pain he has put me through but he doesn't know what it is to be a father because he never had one of his own. He and my mother don't get along but when it comes to the way my mom has pulled my brother and sisters and I together and given us all we have he is so proud of her, especially as a single working mother.

"Lindsay I want you to hear this story that your grandmother told me once because it made me think. Even though I have to go week by week just trying to fgure out what I'll eat this week it made me so thankful just for what I have. You're friends may have more then you or might be spoiled but you should know you are better off then almost everyone in this world. One time this little 9 year old girl brought her 6 year old sister and 7 year old brother to the ramaro house. It was about breakfast time and was freezing out. She brought them in all bundled up in the few clothes they owned and sat them down at a table. That morning she served them the soup R.H was offering. That poor little girl had enough sence to bring her siblings there while her parents were passed out or on drugs or dead somewhere. She did it almost every day too. Lindsay you are so lucky to have what you do and a loving and caring family that loves you enough to keep out of trouble and keep you safe as first priority." My dad has a way of talking to me in such a way that it brings tears to my eyes. That night I don't remember crying as much as I did since last summer started.

I use to be so resentful toward my dad because he wasn't really there for me. We can go months at a time without talking even though he lives right up the street. Even though I don't see him as much as I like and I don't really get along with him, at least I know I have a dad, and when the day is done I know he loves me more then his own life. I know where I can go to find him. Not many people have that.

So this week when the penny fest is all over, I will be standing there proud that I collected money for charity. I will go volenteer with my head held high and hopefully I can bring a smile to someones face. I might help brighten someones day.

A lot of people do this penny fest just for the glam. They think 'Oh my goodness! I could win title of prince, princess, duke, dutchess, king, queen, lord, or lady'. A lot of people forget the real meaning and why were are doing this. It is to better someones life. So even if I don't win the title I will feel better and have more of a glow then anyone up on that stage because I know I have made a difference and I am taking it one step further and continuing to help people.

I stood up and looked at my dad with tears in my eyes. I took a deep breath and held my head up high. I held out my hand looking for a handshake. "I accept." My dad looked at my hand but didn't stick out his. The next thing I knew he grabbed my hand but pulled my body forward and gave me a huge hug.

"I Love you kiddo", he said squeezing me as tightly as possible.
"I Love you too daddy." I closed my eyes and took in the moment. It felt like forever standing there with him.

Expect a Miracle

2005-09-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

Just another day, Sparrow thought as she sat on the changing room bench. The air was cold against her body as she pulled her shirt on over her head. Her hair was knotted and pulled back, pieces of it being pulled tighter then others causing bumps all over her head. Just a few more moments to herself and all the prettier girls in class would file into the changing room as they did every day. She supposed it must be the cool thing to do, to show up to gym class late. Sparrow made her way over to the mirrors. There was just enough time to look herself over and see if she could undo any of the damage to her appearance that seemed oh so permanent. She pulled her hair out of her ponytail and let her brown stringy hair flow down past her shoulders. She pulled it every which way in hopes that maybe her hair would magically become like a movie stars. She looked herself over from head to toe. She was wearing a white baggy t-shirt and long black shorts; both were big enough to hide the features she hated most about herself. She heard the door opening and the sound of high heals ploughing through the door. She quickly pulled her hair back into her grungy ponytail and walked swiftly toward the door. Her head was hung low and she looked straight at the ground in hopes that no one would notice her, that maybe today she would be invisible. The girls in the class that were considered "the popular girls" didn't notice her at first. She was almost to the door when she thought that she would be home free. She reached her hand out for the door. She counted down in her head to when she would be out of range of any comments that would fly her way. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... She pulled open the door and ran out into the hall, pulling the door shut tightly behind her. Today was the first day all week that the girls in her class had not said anything. She was grateful for the change today. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths. She tried to fight back all the emotions she was feeling; the ones that made her feel so little in the world. One tiny tear trickled down her soft cheek. Sparrow didn't know it but she had a natural beauty that would make any girl jealous, girls just didn't want to make this a known subject with her. Just as she brushed away her tear and all the things she was feeling along with it, Trever, a guy she had been crushing on forever walked through the door. He was tall, well built, had brown hair like hers that he kept short and tidy, and had blue eyes that would pierce right through you. She stood there in shock and he gave her a look with a smile that made her go weak in the knees. Suddenly a girl, Michelle, walked up behind her who made Sparrow turn her attention in the other direction from Trever. Michelle was tall, slim, had beautiful deep brown curly hair, always wore too much makeup to look natural, and wore clothes that were as uncomfortable as they were fashionable. Trever suddenly turned and went around the corner before Sparrow had even noticed. Michelle bumped into Sparrows shoulder as she walked past and headed back out into the main school hall.

Sparrow took off and ran into the gym away from the changing room halls. The gym was big and white with a glassy looking wood floor. All the lines had been redone on the floor; you could see where they had covered some of the scuffmarks. She quietly walked over to the red benches on the side of the gym just out of viewing sight of people who walked by the door but did not enter. She sat there with her feet dangling just out of reach of the floor. She twisted them back and forth admiring her shoes, just one of the few purchases her mother had made in hopes she would wear more form fitting and girly clothing. They weren’t too bad either. They had distracted her from noticing Trever had made his way back to the gym. He was holding a white folded paper in one hand and his other was hoisting up his book bag onto his shoulder. Sparrow noticed him when he walked into Mr. Magher’s office, which was situated right next to the benches. Sparrow quietly leaned over the bench and tried to peer into the office to see what was going on. Mr. Magher had the paper in his hand. He read it quietly to himself and nodded with each word. Finally he handed Trever back the paper, shook hands with him, and lead him out of the gym. Sparrow was guessing that they knew each other because Mr. Magher was head of the athletics department and Trever was a top athlete within the school
Everyone had gathered in the centre of the gym. Sparrow quietly lingered behind the group and took a seat on the floor several feet away from everyone else. Mr. Magher had returned and was taking attendance. Trever walked back into the gym and was fully dressed in gym clothing; a red shirt, black shorts, and running shoes that looked too worn out for their own good. Trever looked around the room to see if he recognized anyone. He acknowledged some with a slight wave and his attention turned to Sparrow. He moved swiftly and sat down eagerly beside her. He held out his hand ready to introduce himself, “Hello I’m, Trever. I just transferred into this class. I’ve seen you around school before. You’re Sparrow right?” Amazed that he even wanted to speak to her she held out a white bony hand that seemed to be shaking beyond her control. He quickly grabbed it and shook it for all he was worth. It seemed like he was holding on to her hand for eternity. Michelle came running over after everyone was busy with his or her activities.
“Well hello there stranger. You didn’t think you were going to get away without seeing me, did you?” She grabbed at his arm trying to pull him up. After several moments of struggling he willingly lifted himself off the ground and proceeded to walk away with her. He looked back and whispered sorry.

The next morning Sparrow woke up an hour before she normally would. She knew she would be seeing Trever again today and she had to look perfect. She pulled out the bags containing the girly formfitting clothes her mother had bought her. After some sorting through them she decided on a white crossover t-shirt that showed a little bit of chest, a black lace tank top to go under it, and a pair of blue jeans that hugged her every curve. She took her mothers curling iron and attempted to curl her hair. It had body and bounced with ever step she took. She had no makeup and so she decided to go without it. The idea of painting on a face didn’t really appeal to her anyway. She topped off her outfit with a pair of zipper up black boots and a black purse to match. She was very pleased with the way she came together and left the house 10 minutes earlier to get to school.

She walked with her head held high and more confidence then she had ever known. Soon enough people began to turn their heads a second time when she passed. Sparrow didn’t know this as being a norm for pretty girls. She soon fell back into her sluggish stance with her head pointed at the ground. She walked quicker and quicker, she wanted to get out of view from people on the streets. She felt more ugly then ever. With her fast pace and head hung she walked right into Trever and with one swift motion she fell backward to the ground sending her books flying everywhere. She got up and tucked her hair behind her ears bringing her hand up close enough to her face that it could conceal it’s identity. He stooped down low enough to catch a glimpse from bellow. He was amazed to see it was Sparrow. Yes, he had noticed her before, but never had she looked so beautiful. He turned red with every word he spoke to her and bent down to gather her books. Sparrow didn’t know what to think and was rather embarrassed. He asked her if he could walk her to class and she reluctantly accepted.

Soon enough Trever was walking her to all her classes and it didn’t take long for him to fall for her.

A couple weeks later, on a Saturday night, it was slightly chilly, the crickets were still chirping but would soon be gone for the winter, the sky was clear and let the stars shine their brightest, and the smell of fall was beginning to fill the air. Trever had finally asked Sparrow to be a couple with him. She was still unsure why he had chosen her of all people, but she reluctantly said yes. They were driving to a party about 30 minutes away. It was on the “quiet end of town”. His buddy had been planning a wild party. It was not Sparrows thing to attend parties like these. She knew there would be drinking and she was much more comfortable spending a night at home watching movies all curled up on the couch. Trever said it was what couples did, they make sacrifices for each other and sometimes did something the other wants to do. It was a push that sent Sparrow straight to the car. She was afraid that the party might be busted; she didn’t know what she would do if she arrived home in a police car or came home drunk. Her parents would freak out.

They pulled up to the biggest house on the block. All the other houses had their lights all on and doors and windows closed shut except for this one. The front porch was filled with people. Empty cups littered the front lawn. Girls and guys hung out from the windows screaming and yelling, laughing and carrying on. The music was blasting so loud you could hear it no matter where you were on the street. Trever got out of the car but she remained buckled in staring at the house unsure of what the night would hold for her. Trever ran around to her side of the car and pulled open the door. He had a look of excitement on his face and rushed Sparrow to get out of the car. Hesitant she unbuckled herself and helped herself out of the car onto the long driveway leading to the house. She walked up with her arms folded following Trever at a short distance. He was stormed at the door by a few of his buddies and was brought over to two kegs that took up a table surrounded by plastic cups. It didn’t take long before he was drinking more liquor then Sparrow had even seen in her entire life. She walked around the bottom floor of the house, afraid to go upstairs because of what she might find in someone’s bed. She went to the backyard and saw that much like the fronts yard the back deck was full with drunken people, littered with empty cups, and little piles of puke lined the yard.

Sparrow jammed her way back through the bottom floor toward the front door as quickly as possible. She caught a quick glimpse in Trever’s direction but he was too preoccupied with the pint of vodka that was lined up in shots in front of him. Without a second thought about it, Sparrow opened up the door and pushed her way through the little crowd that was still conscious on the front deck. She stumbled to the street where she caught her breath. She looked around at curious eyes that were found in the neighbours houses; young kids, worried parents, people just waiting for trouble to come knocking on their doors. Sparrow wasn’t going to wait for trouble to come knocking on hers so she started her hour and a half long walk home, there was no way she was waiting for a drive from anyone that was inside at that party.

After 25 minutes of shots, Trever was starting to really feel the effects of how drunk he truly was and was feeling rather “friendly”. He searched the house from top to bottom until one guy nodded for him. He told Trever that Sparrow had taken off not too long ago. Trever was furious, he didn’t understand why she would leave and not tell him. Not in any condition to drive, he of course got behind the wheel of his car. He sped off down the road swerving and going far over the speed limit. It didn’t take him long to catch up to the spot where Sparrow was. He started beeping the horn uncontrollably and flashing his lights. Sparrow was already frightened to be on her own walking home but this scared her so much more. She started to run and Trever saw it as a game. He started to taunt her and he chased her. She ran screaming and crying, begging for her life from whoever was in the car. The tears streamed down her face and burnt her eyes. Her chest was tight and she was having trouble breathing, her run would soon be over regardless of if the person behind the wheel of this car hit her or not.

Sparrows feet ached, her chest ached, and her head and heart pounded furiously. She toppled over a fallen branch from a tree that was just beside the road. She scrambled to get up in time but the car came speeding at her. She screamed and placed her hands over her face and in that split moment prayed to god for a miracle. The tears still burning her eyes blinded her from seeing what happened next. Trever was very impaired and did not see where she had gone. He went to pull over and ended pushing on the acceleration rather then the breaks and ran over her lower body and ran right into the tree. He smashed halfway through the windshield and passed out in the front seat.Someone had called the police to come end the party and on their way there they noticed the accident. They found Sparrow in shock from the pain and Trever in the front seat of his totalled car.

It would be nothing short of a miracle for Sparrow in the days to come...

"Run For Life" Melissa Etheridge

2005-09-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday is the run for the cure... I am taking part in it. This is so important to me and touches me in a way you could not even believe.
My mom is a nurse and treats kids with cancer which brings a lot of new friends into my life.

A few people in my family have and are being touched by cancer.

Aunt Irma: She's been there for me through my entire life. I love her more then she will ever know. When I was younger she had been told that she had breast cancer. She fought it with all her might and over came it. It took all her energy but she came through it with her head held high. Recently she had been told she had it in her other breast. She has been fighting off this horrible nightmare all over again. Not only does she have to deal with that but her husband has cancer as well and my uncle charley has been bravely fighting it too.

My grandfather has had cancer for as long as I can remember. He is my best friend and I can turn to him for anything. This time he needs to turn to his family for support. Every day he gets up and gets ready to go to radiation. He goes on with his life like everything is ok but I know it's not. He cares about everyone before himself. He is an inspiration to everyone around him and is one of the bravest people I have ever known.

A young boy at my moms work tgat I had grown to know him and loved him dearly had cancer almost from the time he was born. He could barely open his mouth or talk. He was an older brother and had barely started his life. He had lived it to his fullest though. He got to travel and start school. He spent time with his family and showed us all what it is to have no fear. He spent most of his life fighting and went out the same way. He is greatly missed and not a day goes by that I don't miss him.

A girl who was also at my moms work had cancer. She spent so much of her time in and out of the hospital. She was such a sweet girl and I had so much admiration when I heard of her. She passed away but never gave up fighting. It just became too much for her to handle. I like to believe that she is somewhere looking over my family. She is like a gardian angel and sent such an example to others.

A guy who had been at my moms work was introduced to me. I looked at him and thought that he had such special needs. I felt so sorry for him as would everyone. I didn't think he was a normal guy. He thought me so much. He was just the same as everyone else. He always joked about how he wanted to do my homework because he didn't get to do any. He told me about his time he spent on a farm. I learned so much about him over dinner with him. He was just like me only he had a spirit that I could not believe. He is doing much better these days. He will always be in my heart!

There are about a million people I could name that have cancer that have all touched my life and have tought me so much. When I run on sunday I am running for them. I am running for anyone who have ever had to try and deal with cancer. Maybe they have lost their battle, are continuing to fight it, or have beaten it. I am running for all those people. They can teach us all so much and for that I thank god. They teach us that there is so much to live for and there is so much hope for the future.

I hope that my run will help so many people. Maybe someday I will be running for you. I hope my little help someday helps save lives. Maybe someday it might be your own. I will continue to run in hopes that maybe someone who lives through the battle of cancer will help you learn more about life, bravery and show you how much there truely is to live for. <3>

I will try to fix you

2005-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Thursday I skipped Gym to go for a walk with Lynn... It was much needed. We layed around on benches and saw people and had some laughs and some teary moments. I missed all afternoon to go out to lunch with my mom and to go rent a movie and get some freezies and what not. I was with Tom that night. I missed him so I was really happy about that.

Yesterday I skipped two of my morning classes... I just sat around and did nothing and was with some of my chickies! (Much love to you all). I put in some transfer papers, I am soon to be (fingers crossed) a stm student. I might have to wait until the end of the semester to go but I will get there at some point. I went out with Tom and Dan last night to the playground... oh my goodness it was soooo cold. I had a turtle neck on and was freezing and tom only had a t-shirt on... he isn't so bright. Dan made sand castles but quickly gave up when he couldn't accomplish a double decker castle. He kicked it... And he chased me around when I stole his shirt... and I slapped him across the face (Kinda hard by an accident... I got great contact!) We had a good laugh about that. We played on the playground for like two hours!!! It was great. Tom sat there the whole time and was cold or complained about how he is too big for the playground.

Today I woke up and had to take back my movie to the store. So I threw on my jacket and some jeans and walked. It was freezing, my hands even went numb. I felt like a popcicle just as I did last night. I came home and got dressed and now I'm sitting around waiting to hear from Lynn. We are going to have a girls day! YAY! But she better get home soon! I'm very impatient.

My aunt and uncle are leaving for flordia for six months soon... I will miss them but I can't wait to visit this march break!

Ok so Lynn just called finally but I have to wait like another hour and a half for her!!! Oh well my mom might be home before then and she can drive me out to her house! I'm so excited... Painting our nails, girl talk, movies, face masks, lots of food... All the great things girls love to do.

Monday is lunch with shannon. That is bound to be a good time but that means I need to get myself some money... I'm poor right now.

At the moment:
Listening to - fix you on much "When you're too in love to let it go"... <- me singing
Watching - the music video for it
Thinking about - Him :)
Eating - nothing
craving - pizza!
Wearing - a black turtle neck, jeans, and tom's sweater (it smells like him :) )
Feeling - kind of sad
Pumped - For next weekend!
Missing - my sister and my aunt and uncle

2005-09-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone here is an update on my life these days!

A few weeks ago I got a new guy in my life!! I went to a party and there sitting in the car when my friends came to pick me up was Thomas!!! He lives across the street from my grandparents and I had gone to school wiht him for as long as I can remember. So anyway he and I started to hang out every day and a while later he asked me out and it was right cute! We've been unseperable ever since. Last night we had our first fight and it made me cry and I was sad but we are all good now!!

Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for since school started! Tomorrow afternoon is the rookie assembly. I was in it last year and was plastered from head to toe in discusting food! Now it is everyone elses turn. I'm so excited to see this. I had so much fun when I was in it!

As well as the rookie assembly, it is the STM dance! It's western theam!! I'm so excited. Daisy Duke shorts, cowboy hats, cowgirl t-shirts... by the sounds of it everyone is going all out! I get to see Chris for the first time in forever too which makes me happy!

I was checking on my piczo site and I got a nice comment... apparently I am a dumb slut!! They were too scared to leave their name too. I would rather someone leave their name and say something mean rather then leave a comment that will be disregarded that makes me frustrated that people are so immature!

I hate school so much right now! I want to quit! last year was so much better then this one. I just want it to be over and done with. It's hard and I'm behind already! I want it to get better! RIGHT NOW!

Thought:
If someone wants to break up with someone and the other one doesn't accept are you supposed to try and work things out?

I have so much homework to do at the moment!!! And I'm putting it off.

I have to go out and collect money sometime soon. I have to get 50$ for Run for the Cure. I am so excited to run it! I was going to go out tonight but it is raining! I'm not going out in the ickyness.

Saturday is the skateboard compitition uptown everyone should go check it out if it's nice out!

The first snow of the year

2005-08-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

It was nearing Christmas time and there was still no snow on the ground. The one thing Kassidy had wished for all year was for a white Christmas. She couldn't remember the last one that she was able to go out on Christmas morning and go sledding or have a snow ball fight with her friends. She sat on a couch at her friends appartment looking out the frosted windows down onto the towns cold streets. Everyone was hidding inside just as she was. "Kassidy, get your sorry butt over here and sit with me before you leave", called her friend from across the room. She got up and ran over and sat herself down next to Amelia. She was tired that night so she rested her head on Amelia's sholder. Amelia was busy typing away to her friends on msn and Kassidy managed to notice one conversation. Amelia was talking to Micheal, a guy Kassidy had always thought was cute. The webcam had been turned on and she caught his eye. The two were speechless and just sat there looking at eachother. A light outside the window turned Kassidy's focus to the street bellow. A black car had pulled up and was waiting outside the front door, it was her mother. She jumped up grabbing her coat from the stair's banister. She threw it on quickly and gave Amelia a hug goodbye. She thought it would be the last time she had any contact with Micheal. She ran down the stairs toward the front door and nearly tripped herself on the way down. Before she even opened the door she could feel the cold air seeping through the cracks. She pulled her coat a little bit tighter around her face and opened the door. With a burst of cold air nipping at her nose and stinging her eyes, to her amazment it was starting to snow. She quickly made her way to the car. She got in and slammed the door shut behind her. The car was cold as well, there hadn't been enough time to heat up. Her mother greated her with a breaf but warm hello, but Kassidy didn't really notice. The car pulled away from the apparments. She stared out the window at the cars that passed. Her breath fogged up with window with every breath she took. Her thoughts were on nothing but Micheal. The car pulled up to the side of her house. She pulled her coat tight around her again and ran as fast as she could into the house. She opened the door and dashed inside, her mom pulling it tight behind her. It was warm inside and the smell of christmas cookies filled the air. On the stove were the cookies fresh out of the oven and cooling. Kassidy picked up a couple and sat down infront of the Christmas tree. It hadn't been decorated yet but her favorite part of Christmas wasn't the presents or the lights that decorated it, it was just the tree. The room was dark but the lights from outside lit up the snow outside. Kassidy had placed herself between the window and the tree. After a while she had made her way to the computer. When she had signed on there was Micheal's email address. He had wanted to talk to her again. Never in her wildest dreams did she think it was possible that the guy of her dreams would walk into her life just like that. They talked into the late hours of the night. Her eyes were heavy and she could barely keep them open but everything seemed so perfect in that one moment. He was just the same, he was falling asleep on the spot so they agreed to go to bed. He said all the corney goodbye things and made Kassidy fall for him a little bit more with each word. She got up and was cold again. The heat had shut off hours earlier and all the lights were out upstairs. She made her way upstairs trying to find her way in the dark. She crawled into her bed and snuggled up with a teddy bear she had gotten that day. Her mind was fixed on the conversations they had all night. She noticed her window was still open. She quickly made her way over to to close it and stop the cold air from coming in. The snow had blown in through the screen and was sitting on her window sill. It had stopped snowing finally. The purple sky had made the snow glow purple. She stood there looking out over the city and thought to herself that this was going to be the best Christmas ever. It was a new beginning for her and maybe for Micheal as well...

The Land Marco Polo Stumbled Over

2005-08-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home again and happy to be here. I missed all my friends very much and am in very serious need of a girls night.

Wednesday morning I woke up at 7:30 and started packing up the car to leave. We were supposed to be gone by 8:30 that morning. It took us a little bit longer to pack and Sam was late getting here so we didn't end up leaving until 9:30ish. We picked up Anna and took off toward P.E.I. It wasn't even 5 minutes after we got in the car that Katie started complaining she was hungry. We made a quick pit stop at the Irving and got back on the road again. It was a quick drive there because we all fell asleep. There wasn't any good stations on the radio and we didn't have any good cds so we just slept. When we got there we stopped just after the bridge and did some shopping at the shops. The only thing we really got was candy. It was so expensive but Katie, Anna, and Sam insisted on getting some. We went to Charlottetown for some quick shopping. By 3:30 it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to go to the camp ground and set up. It was very hot out and it didn't end up raining at all. As the day went on it got colder and colder. Sam and I threw on our bathing suits and headed to the pool. Katie and Anna were right behind us. We layed on the grass tanning for not even 5 minutes before Sam said she wanted to head back, so we did. We ate supper and went around walking for the rest of the evening. Nothing really big. We had a bonfire and I ate so many marshmellows and smores. Sam and I had to sleep in the car and it was so uncomfortable. It was freezing out that night too.

When we woke up the next morning it was cold once again. The wind was blowing like nuts. We ate some breakfast and by 10:30 headed out for shoppping. We went to the Charlottetown mall again, this time to visit all the stores we hadn't the day before. I spent about 10$ and that was it. We went uptown to another mall and by mid-afternoon we were all so hungry we had to leave. We went back to the camp for a couple of hours. Sam and I took a nap, we were so tired from the bad sleep the night before. At supper time we went to the boardwalk and did more shopping. We ate out at Pizza Delight and that's when I was told one of my aunts has cancer again. I nearly started bawling on the spot. After supper we did a little more shopping and Sam and I got airbrush tattoos. I got a green and pink tinkerbell. We went home after it poured out and we had another bonfire. Once gain more marshmellows for me! Sam and I finally got the tent. It was such a good sleep but it was cold again.

Friday I woke up and I was really sick. I felt like I was spinning around really fast the whole world was spinning. I couldn't stand up on my own or anything. I was in tears it was so bad. By lunch time it went away but we didn't know what was going on with me. Mom and I went for a walk to call my aunt so I could go visit her she wasn't home though. Sam and I went with my mom for a drive and we went to a bunch of craft stores. We stopped at the Super Store to get some supper and headed back to the camp. That night we went to the drive in. I brought my sleeping back, set up a chair beside the car, and sat outside by myself for like an hour. I was the only one smart enough to bring a sleeping bag and spray myself with bug spray. We saw Red Eye and the Island. They were both good. After Red Eye Katie, Anna, and I went and sat down front of the drive in on some benches and wrapped up in a big blanket. It was 1 by the time we got back to the camp. Everyone just passed out in a couple of minutes.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 8 o'clock not knowing it was so early and woke Sam up along with me. Katie was already awake. We wanted to get going so we started to pack up. Mom woke up at about 9ish and made us breakfast. Sam, Katie, Anna, and I all went to take a shower. By the time we got back mom had packed up a lot of the stuff. It was just the matter of putting it all in the car somehow. We manage dto put it all in somehow and after a quick stop to get something to drink we were on our way back home. This time the drive seemed a lot longer. We stopped in Moncton to get something to eat. We dropped Sam and Anna off and were back home by 3:45.

A lot happened while I was gone. I can't believe how much you can miss in 4 days time. It was the last time I am making that trip and next year it will just be Katie, Mom and her friends. I will be making my own trips by myself with my friends.

figments of my imagination

2005-08-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

You were a lie. Like "the monsters under my bed", I childishly believed it was there and real. I was such a fool for thinking this time would be different. The truth is you were just the same, you haven't changed and never will.
The truth was uncovered and it brought nothing but tears to my eyes. You took the most important things to me and twisted them for what? your own amusment? Was this all a big act. Was it for good intentions or your own pleasure?
You were real to me, an actual friend. You could stand infront of me. I could smell, see, and touch you. No one believed you were real, but as time went on people thought you were the real deal too. I made them believe. Now you're nothing but a memory of what I thought you were like.
I ask you these questions and you lie to me STILL. Why, do you think you're protecting me? Well, you're not. I find out anyway and it hurts even more. The one person I thought I could count on most in this world is really the one who hurts me more then anyone.
It was real and still is but the sad part is you're not real nor a part of my life. I will never trust you again. The sad part is even though I feel all this toward you, you hold a place in my heart, you're a big part of my life. And even after all we've been through you've removed me from almost every corner of your life. How much longer do I have to keep struggling to put things back together without your help?

I want to love our life

2005-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't feel right like it used to. I've tried and I just can't picture it any other way. I lay in bed at night and look at what it used to be, how you were, how we were. I miss it. I wish things would go back. I still wonder why this is all happening. Why you're like you are now. Nothing is clear to me, do you want it to be that way? I wish you'd just tell me. I wish we could fix things. I still cry for you. You left so many things unanswered. I still go on pretending I' ok but I'm not at all. Onl some people know the way I truly feel these days and I really wish you were interested in knowing and that you were still here to help me fix things. You're gone and it's like our history is non-existant. No one else can replace you in my thoughts, memories, or my heart. Bbeside my bed is a angel that says expect a miracle that I got the day I met you. I look at it every night and think that you were my miracle, so should I still expect you or give up. Give up on the memories, hopes, thoughts, love, friendship, and everything that ment anything to me when we were us. Nothing seems as great without you. Nothing seems like it was or that it will ever go back to being the way it was. Nothing is complete without you. I miss you and I wish you would come back. It's like I'm in a nightmare only I' living it because life was a dream with the good times we had. The laughs and late nights, the talks and walks ment more to me then you'll ever know. I want them back. I want us to go back to the way we were. You were my bestfriend and you made everything ok. Now I don't know where I am without you. Just find it in your heart to come back. Please help me set things straight. Lets go back to were it all started.

Tenting Night Adventures

2005-07-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

Last night was our tenting out adventures. What I thought was supposed to be a simple girls night was far from it!

Amy came over at 7 and we decided we were going to play basketball. After Amy almost busted out my windshield, RJ CAME ALONG! Me being my friendly self immediately ran to see him. So after he left for work we went back to playing basketball. A couple minutes later to our surprise Bruce and Kale came along!!! RJ ratted out our where-abouts... They left for a while but then soon came back (after we set up the tent, I think they wanted to get out of helping). So Amy and the boys went to go get her stuff. When they came back we went to go get food. It turned out to be the longest walk EVER because Amy and Bruce stopped about every two seconds to make out until Kale screamed at them to stop. We got 3 bottles of pop two LARGE bags of marshmellows and bought a few packs of gumm that Amy still doesn't know she paid for.
We went and rented a movie!!! YAY for non-scary movies... NOT! We had a huge marshmellow fight and got marshmellows stuck to everything and anything in the tent.

Katelyn finally called me at like 10:30 and we got her to come over. As soon as she got there, and I had finally got Kale to stop throwing marshmellows SHE STARTED AGAIN haha. Then her, Kale, and myself had a pillow fight. (Mind you while all this was going on Bruce and Amy were too busy making out to join us). The boys had to leave at like 11:15.

Katelyn and Amy went back over to Kat's house to get movies and what not. My nextdoor neighbour and his friend came over to watch movies with us. We watched jaw breaker. As soon as it was over we asked them to leave. We poped in Romeo and Juliet. Katelyn fell asleep right away and Amy was half asleep because she didn't follow any of it. She doesn't get old English lingo.

I shut off the movie and was asleep for a while when the next thing we hear is some funky music. Amy and I ignored it until the people getting out of the cars kept screaming!!! We got out to see who it was. We thought it was one of my neighbours Dave and his friends. So we got back in the tent when Katelyn wakes up. Annoyed by all the shouting she gets the bright idea to scream to them to shut up. So of course that gets them going and they kept yelling at us to come over. We decided to go over and ask them to stop. What was supposed to be a mission of peace soon turned into a mission for them to see who could hit on us the most. They were like 22, 23... around there. They were halarious and drunk. So my mom hears all this conversation we're all having and gets angry. She screams at us to go back to our tent.

So we are going back being good girls and as we get into the backyard my little sister is like there is someone in the backyard. I was like no no, it's just us. So I step into the tent and my neighbour is rolled up in my sleeping back and scares the crap out of us. We all scream and my mom is right there. So she freaks out at us to get inside because we're going to wake up the whole neighbourhood. Oh man I was mad. So we had to sleep in the house for the rest of the night because we were "too bad".

When I woke up this morning, I found two beer bottles. So either the guys were chucking beer bottles at our tent or they came over looking for us.
It was such a fun night!!!

Pointless Post

2005-07-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

I had a thought... What is the point to having pinkies? Really think about it... When you write, your pinky doesn't touch the pen or pencil. When you drink coffee it sticks out there it doesn't even really help hold the mug. Really the only thing they are good for is picking up ringollos by sticking it through the ringollo's holes.

--------------------------------------------------------------

So last night was SJ Idol. Kat and I caught a bus uptown at like 7. I could have shot her. Her bus schedual said that the bus was coming at 6:50 and it was 6:50. We had to run for the bus after she picked out the highest heals I own. We got to the busstop and waited for like 15 minutes before it finally got there. There was no need for me almost breaking my neck.

We got there and no one was around. We went for a walk up King street and took random pictures and went to the delta bathrooms... Oh they are so nice! We got back to Market Square and met up with JULIA!!!

We went around taking more pictures and having a fun time meeting up with people.

THERE WERE EFFING RIDES THERE! Cotton candy, gravitron type thing, a tiny little kids ferris wheel, candy apples... I wish every SJ idol was like that.

I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time!!! I loved this week better then the rest... But we missed Brittany and Becky. :(

If. You. Both. Work. At. It. Maybe. Love. Wouldn't. Hurt

2005-07-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

As I sit here listening to music that reflects my mood, my thoughts, my sadness, and fears come true, tears are running down my face.

To anyone I have cared for, who has ended up hurting me:

I still need you in my life more then you'll ever know. I miss your touch. There was always something calming about your closeness. Sometimes when I'm sitting around thinking about memories I can start to smell how your clothes always smelt. It all becomes so real it's like I'm living the memory again. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from this, from you, from everything that ever ment anything. Anything that was ever important, you took it all from me. Any hope for anything was crushed by you. You took away everything good in my life. I'm lost now... I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. You made everything that seemed impossible become real. You helped me see and feel things I never knew before. They all seem like figments of my imagination again. I guess I was just cinderella... everything good ends up coming to an end, and that's where it will end with you.

How do I say goodbye?
How do I let it all go?
Jealiousy is overwhelming...
Tears keep coming...
Life has just come to a stop...
Not a thing is moving forward...
Everything just keeps spinning...
I'm stuck in one place...
I can't go back...
There is no future...

I came across Becky's old post define love... I remember people asking me what I thought it was and never really knowing. I think I know now though.
Love is finally feeling like you have everything. The sky seems bigger at night because it seems as though bigger things are possible. What seemed impossible or like figments of your imagination all become real. Even when you aren't with the person, you are you can smell them, feel them, it's like they are always right beside you. Love is amazing and warm but also scary and sad. You feel like you have everything and it can be a good and bad feeling. It's good when you're with them because it feels so right, and when they aren't there it's sad. If you have everything you've ever wanted, then you have everything to lose. When you watch cinderella type movies, you don't think oh my goodness I want that... because you already have it. Everything seems so insync. It's like you have this connection. In moments when nothing should be said, just live the moment, you still know everything the other person is thinking. It is being open and honest, trusting and caring. It's being there for someone through the ups and downs in life. It isn't finding the perfect person, it's loving someone for their imperfections. It's not finding someone you can always live with and always getting along with, it's finding that person that you can't live with out. It doesn't matter if you get annoyed with them, you love them because you can't live without the annoyances. Love isn't always easy, love always has obsicles. When you love someone you stand by them through it all no matter how hard. You don't care what other people say or think because you are happy. It's getting butterflies in your tummy every time you see them. It's not being with someone because of their looks or their money, it's being with them because what is inside. It's feeling beautiful no matter what. Looking in their eyes you couldn't feel more ontop of the world. You try to be the best you can be. You change for the better and not because you force yourself to but it's a change you make not knowing it. You comprimise. It's never fighting over the remote. It's never walking away or turning your back. It's working for what you want for eachother. Love is never selfish. That other someone always manages to find a way into your thoughts. It's day dreaming when you're wide awake. It's intense and electrifying. It's upseting and forgiving. It's ever lasting.

Thick and thin, Through it all

2005-07-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

So I wake up today at like 11:50 to a bunch of swearing over my blog because people assume what is written on my blog is about them. If everyone would just take into concideration I do have more important things then blaming a break up on everyone and bashing my ex b/f. I'd love to just tell everyone what I think of them though, good and bad. So read on if you're willing to but no rude or mean comments come back it's your own fault if you wanted to hear it live with it! OK!?

Julia - Baby doll, I heart you so much! You're such a great friend. You are always there to listen to me and support me 100% through good and bad. You try to pick me up when I am down and I love that about you. You sit there calmly and let my tell you my fears, my frustraitions, my wins in life, and my losses. You give me advice whether I need it or not, and you always put a smile back on my face. Thank you.

Chris - I still love you and always will. First loves always last. I loved it when you would pick me up and make me feel like I was above the world. You are always going to be a best friend to me. Sometimes I don't understand you though. We have these talks about our lives and how you still want to be friends and then you avoid me at SJ idol. You tell people you'd rather not run into me and you tell me that you don't want to lose my friendship. We've been through so much together and even though I still have all these great feelings for you, you'll sit there and accuse me of trashing you? I don't understand that.

Becky - You crazy little devil you. I know we have had our ups and downs but man have we come a long way. You're halarious and stick up for me whether I'm wrong or not. You listen all the time and help me in our own devilish ways. I hope you know how lucky I am to have you as a friend. Right now I cannot think of one bad thing to say to you except that we don't hang out nearly enough this summer.

Jordan D. - THANK YOU! Oh my goodness you don't know how much you've helped me this past couple of weeks. You were just what the doctor ordered. I love our talks and how you make me feel like I am actually worth something again. I just don't like how you are shy about your feelings. You know how much it drives me crazy lol. I heart you so much! *MUAHZ*

Mat - I love you so much! haha. I always concider you one of my friends. I know we've had our bad moments. Rumours are kind of our way of sticking together? I hate that you started the rumours about me so I hope you have better judgement and hope I've learned from that so that I wouldn't turn around and do the same thing to you. I really had no idea anything was being said or passed around and I certainly didn't start saying anything. Becky and Julia and I were just talking at a sleep over about how weird that would kind of be, none of us opened our mouths to anyone else. I like you way too much as a friend to ruin it. I.O.U one deoderent for the one that was stolen from the church.

Nancy - I miss you so much. You're an upper type person and I love it. No matter what your problems are you always seem to be up for anything and on the bright side of things. Most people who have everything going for them still aren't as happy as you even when things seem at their worst for you. You're an amazing person. I'm so proud of you and always here for you 100%.

Brittany - Baby doll... Well we've been through a rough patch latly. I'm glad it is over. I know we can't totally forget what went on but I know we are both trying to get back to where we were. I love you so much. You've been my best friend for 11 years and I'm proud of it. You know I'm always here for you... we're like eachothers shinks. LOVES IT! Thanks for always listening when I needed you to. Even when we weren't on good terms and I was having a hard time the night Chris broke up with me you were there to make sure I was ok. You don't know how much that ment to me.

Jen - I'm sorry for anything and everything. I know we've only been friends since grade 6 but you're still one of my bestfriends. I'd turn to you for anything in an instant. We're a lot alike. You're like a sister to me and my family conciders you a part of it! You keep me saine.. You're there when I need you most. We stuck by eachother like glue for most of the school year. I hope this year will be just like it. I don't know what I would ever do without you! Thank you for all you've ever done for me. BFF!

Mikey - You are strange but wonderful guy. We've never faugt once and I'm happy. You've gone through such a hard time this year and I'm so sorry for it. I love you to death. I always loved seeing you and putting a smile on your face. Working out... you showed me up. Thanks for listening all the time and thinking so highly of me. I feel the exact same for you.

Kat - It's like they say you can forgive but never forget. I know we've been through a hell of a lot together. Good and bad stuff. But we always manage to find a common ground. We see eye to eye in the end. We have our good days together and our bad, but at least we have our days together. I'll still turn to you with problems and listen to yours if you have them too. You'll always be my tweety and a six chick. A million naked ashton kutchers playing twister... Lube?

Talley - WOW! So much has happened with us. I know we were never truly close friends and we didn't turn to eachother with our problems, sometimes we were eachothers problems. I wish we could have done things differently. I wish our outcome was different. I wish we saw our problems from eachothers eyes and not just our own. We need a time machine like doctor evil!

Chris M!!! - I couldn't be more happy for you and Julia. Thank god you came along because I can talk to you about more things then anyone! I don't know why it's just easier with you. Sure you take Julia away from me all the time but at least she is happy :D You're a great guy and I know you'll always be there for me. Thanks for helping me through things latly. Still waiting on those jokes though. You're a smart and great guy and I know you'll do great in life! Thanks a million oreos!

Sammy - No matter what you always helped me, whether we were talking or not. We always had great times going away and great talks. You were there to agree and disagree and make me see other sides of things. We were stubborn to eachother by times but at least we did it together :). Thanks for being an awesome friend through everything. You're my lovly. :D

DC ROCKS - I know we don't really know eachother but every so offen you come on here and read up on my life. You help me and pick me up when I am down. You look out for me even when you don't need to. You've even gone as far as going on my friends blogs just to thank them for being a good friend and being there for me. Not many people would do that, at least not for me. You're kind of like a gardian angel. It seems like you're a world away and I can't see you but I know you're there. You make your presence known. I can't thank you enough for trying to help me all this time, for checking in on me, and making sure life is ok and that I'm ok. Every time you comment on here it brings a smile to my face to know even a stranger can be a wonderful and caring person. It gives me a little bit of hope for everyone else. Thank you for everything. I just wish I heard from you more.

Anyway that's all for now really... Remember no mean comments because it was your choice to read what I had to say. Your own choice! No one forced you or held a gun to your head plus there is nothing really mean in here. Don't get offensive because it was your own doings you were the one who acted in a certain mannor and maybe you'll finally see that.

10 things that ask the question "why?"

2005-07-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Ok... So I'm sitting here kind of pissed off at things that are going on around here, so here they are:

1- Why are guys so cluless to their feelings? Why is it that if a guy likes you they can't tell you or that it's some big secret? I realize it takes time and everyone shows their feelings at their own speed but why is it guys take about a million times longer to confront them!?

2- On the subject of feelings... Why is it that people are totally careless about them at times. When you've been hurt why is it that no matter what, whether they are your friends or not, someone always manages to say something to hurt you more or bring back the pain. When you don't want to know something and it isn't nessessairy to hear it and though they know it will hurt you, they tell you anyway? WHY!?!

3- After weeks of being ok, why is it in one minute you can go back to feeling like crap and cry until your eyes burn, are red, and you lose your voice? When you feel better why can't you just stay better?

4- If you have been involved in a bad situation, why is it that people will accuse you of turning around and doing the same thing to them that just hurt you? Why can't people realize that most people learn from their mistakes or other peoples. Ex: If you get drunk and caught, who wouldn't learn from it? It's not like you'd turn around and tell a friend to do the same thing that just got you caught!

5- Why are guys embaressed by the girls they like? No explination nessessairy.

6- Old nicknames that come from rumours from horny little boys are better left in the past. DON'T BRING THEM UP OR CALL ME THEM!!!

7- Since when is love temporary? I've been told by so many people that they love me. I've only said it to one person, or if I've said it to anyone I say I love you but I'm not in love with you. I've had people tell me they love me and that they truly mean it. I don't understand how one day you can tell someone that and the next day wake up and not mean it anymore. Also forever now means never? Like what the hell is that? Because of certain people they have ruined Love and the meaning of Forever.

8- Why is it that girls are really bitchy? We fight and fight and it never stops. We sit there and pick at other girls or put down other people for our own enjoyment. I've seen it done so many times, too many times actually. When we fight we hold grudges. A guy can fist fight with another guy and after it's done they can shake hands walk away and not think anything less of the other one, but when girls fight it's for life a lot of the time.

9- Why are guys such jerks to girls? Calling them stuff that puts them bellow everyone else, using them, yelling at them, hurting them emotionally. Why do guys find that after they break up with someone that they can't be friends anymore? You can be together for a month or longer and the time spent together means a lot to the girl but the guy can forget about it in an instant. A girl will still want to be friends even if they can't be together as a couple because you now have a history together, but a guy doesn't care... it's almost as if it will crush their ego, so instead of being a friend to the girl they crushed they are even more relentless by avoiding her and making her seem like just a piece of trash they throw away.

10- In the summer there are so many more guys that like to just go girl jumping instead of starting a relationship. Someone refered to it as shopping around. I hate that. It's like you go out and pick up a couple of things and take them home. You try them on to see how they look. If they aren't what you wanted you throw them in a heap with the rest of them just to collect dust and forgotten in a day or two. WHAT THE HELL!?! No girl ever wants to be treated like that EVER.

*In regards to Chantals comment*
My post tonight was not about Chris. I still love him TO DEATH! Sure me and Chris don't talk but I talked to him about it already. I never once blamed you for me and Chris not talking so please don't put words in my mouth. I wasn't trying to bash Chris in this... really if I had a problem with him I'd tell him myself. I have this blog to let out my frustrations. You say I look like a whinney girl... Well I can't talk to my freinds about my problems anymore because you just lable me as a whiner. SO I LET IT OUT ON HERE. Really if you don't want to listen to me anywhere else why read my blog. I won't stop letting out my frustrations on here because it's the last place I have. Guys may be entitled to being jerks but I'm also entitled to my opinions about it. No one asked you to turn your back on Chris, but I never asked for you to bash my thoughts. You may respect me but you sure as hell didn't respect the fact that I love Chris or at least you didn't act like it. You're not respecting me by leaving me these comments and assuming and putting words in my mouth. Chris may be your best friend but he was my boyfriend and I concidered him my best friend too and I still concider him a best friend. I love Chris and sure he may have hurt me but I wouldn't turn around and hurt him. I thought maybe you of all people would know me better then that. I guess not though.

The Way We Were

2005-07-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am so happy, Brittany and I are back to being friends. Two weeks without someone you love is horrible. It seems like a lifetime.
The other night I was sitting in the middle of my room just thinking about how I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I sat there and realized how many memories I was surrounded by. I wanted things to be the way they were a month in a half ago. I wished and wished as I sat on my bed and looked out at the full moon hanging over the harbour water. Every little thing I had in my room had a meaning and had a memory.
On my desk sat two roses, both from Christopher. One from the day we finally became a couple and another from the day my whole family met him. I can still remember both days. Laying around on my couch upset because people were putting me down Christopher just layed there and told me all these great things about myself and he whispered Will you be my girlfriend in my ear... Sounds corny and somewhat kiddish but it was my conry moment. A moment that I felt great in. I also still remember the day my family met him and my aunt and uncle pulling me off to the side saying, "He's a keeper. I'm so happy for you. He's a nice young man and we can tell he'll treat you right." That lasted long...
I found my foam sword and pig mask... Brittany, Jen, and I spent the day uptown the day we bought them. We went out for breakfast at Cora's. It was good. We went to the market and walked around for a while. It was freezing out that day. We waited around for a bus forever! Finally one came. We got off and went to the dollarama and it was such a cold walk there that we couldn't walk home, we had to call Jen's mom. We each got a sword and a mask. Jen and I wore them the whole way home in the car. Brittany was embaressed to even be in the same area code as us.
My walls had been filled with pictures. I took down each one remembering our school trip, valentines day with Chris, hockey games with Nancy, Britt, and Jen, bowling on Ben's birthday, and so many other things.
I had about 4 or 5 boxes of things in my closet full of memories. I went through each one remembering. There were movie stubs from movies with the girls and Chris, tickets from skating at the gorman, a bus transfer from a time Becca and I went out east, key chains, water guns, and little things from times Chris and I spent with eachother. It was amazing how a years worth of memories can fit into these 4 or 5 tiny boxes.
I packed away each memory and a shed a tear for the ones with Chris. Those were the memories that would never happen again. I packed away the roses neatly into boxes, I filled up a photo album with our pictures, and away into a couple of boxes went our movie stubs, water guns, and everything that ment anything. I sealed the boxes and set them in the top of my closet. Hiding away like my memories and feelings.
It was hard to see him last night at sj idol. It was the first time since my birthday. I was being avoided for the whole night and it sucked. The time we were together ment a lot to me and it seems like it was all thrown away. It was hard enough to lose him "loving" me but to lose him as a friend too the thought is unbearable.

It's time to let go and move on... that's what I'm told I should do. I know I should do it but it isn't as easy as saying it and it happening. I've been trying. I thought I had up until I saw him.
Now there's this guy...
Now I have Brittany back...
Now I am done crying...
Now I'm for a new beginning...
Now I'm for packing away memories to make room for new ones...

Cry

2005-07-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

Faith Hill

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope
Maybe I’d get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you’re feeling a little more painI gave,
now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged
Honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath
The pile of lies you handed me
And you’d hunt those lies
They’d be all you’d ever find
That’d be all you’d have to know
For me to be fine

And you'd cry a little
And die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less painI gave,
now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby I hear your doin’ fine
Nothings gonna’ save me
Til I see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache honey
Give it a tryI don’t want pity
I just want what is mine

Yeah could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more painI gave,
now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

Yeah

Cry just a little for me
Whoa whoa
Could you cry a little for me hmmm yeah yeah

-I wish you knew just an ounce of the pain I feel right now.

Since when Is Love Temporary?

2005-07-09T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well Christopher broke up with me last night and really it's all I can do to hold myself together. I don't know why it happened or what caused "The Change of Feelings" but that's why it ended; He had a change of heart. I hate the whole it's not you it's me kind of speech because you know damn well you had to of done something. I think I spent about 2 hours crying last night before I finally did cry myself to sleep. It's really sad when you've dreamt of a relationship like that and have the perfect guy and you love him so much. You have everything in the world and that's when you're most vulnerable because they will take it away from you. I feel like crap and haven't really moved from my bed or this chair for anything yet. I don't feel like eating but a big 2L of ice cream might come in handy.

I know a lot of you were just waiting on him breaking up with me and are sitting there pretty pleased with this, I know exactly who those people are and I have nothing to say because it would be nothing nice... :(

Break Down Here

2005-07-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

Julie Roberts

Mile marker 203
The gas gauge leaning on the edge of E
I’ll be danged if the rain ain’t pouring down
There's something smoking underneath the hood
It’s a bangin’ and a clangin’ and it can’t be good
And it's another fifty miles to the nearest town
Everything I own is in the back in a hefty bag
I’m outta cigarettes and I’m down to my last drag
I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere, knowin'
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me, keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down here
A hundred fifty thousand miles ago
Before the bad blood and busted radio
You said, I was all you’d ever need
Love is blind and little did I know
You were just another dead end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams
Baby, leaving you is easier than being gone
I don’t know what I’ll do if one more thing goes wrong
I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere, knowin'
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me, keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down here
I’d sure hate to break down here
With nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere, knowin'
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’
So God help me, keep me moving somehow
Don’t let me start wishing I was with him now
I made it this far without crying a single tear
I’d sure hate to break down
It’s too late to turn around
I’d sure hate to break down here
Mile marker 215

School's.Out.For.Summer

2005-06-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

Becky's blog is back!!! Yay!! Just thought I would say that.
I find out today if district is going to do anything about my math exam... well everyones for that matter. They better. I totally failed that thing.
I went to Chris' on our four month day. He didn't remember so I casually was like... "hey Chris.. Happy four months by the way." he was like "really?" I said yea and then it was pretty much a moo point. It was funny. That day he had to put in his dock with his dad and some other guys. It turned out really nice. He thinks it looks too small at the end. I think he is crazy. It took them two hours so in that time, I spent it with his mom. We sat around in his living room, the kitchen, and his pool just talking about life. She told me some stuff about Chris when he was younger and we talked about my life as well. It was really nice. It was cloudy all day and rained a couple of times. After he was done putting in the dock, Chris came in and we curled up on the couch and snuggled. When supper was over he took me out to see his boat. I was afraid to get on it. It wasn't in the water, just on the trailer in his driveway and it was really high up. I am really afraid of hights and he made me get on anyway. We listened to some music and then I made him go down to the dock with me. It was beautiful. We sat out at the end of it and all of a sudden the sun came out and I was soooo happy. I had a really good day.
Yesterday I had two exams. I had english in the morning and french in the afternoon. Thank god for my 30 minutes of studying because it made them really easy! haha. I went out to lunch by myself and sat around and studied for my french exam. After they were over and done with I went to Java moose! It was sooo good! I wish Jen had of been there. I know she would have loved it.
Today I woke up bright and early even though I don't have any school this morning. I went out for a crazy long run. I saw Kristian on the way and some people from Sam de Cham go by on the buses. And just as I was walking toward my house, Christopher the lazy bumm who can't get out of bed in time to take the bus drove by lol. His dad waved to me. I felt special.
I have my Science exam this afternoon at 1. It's my last one and then I am done for the summer. No more school for me!
I was supposed to go into PES with some friends today but my little sister said that they were writting provincial middle school exams all morning. So that kind of screwed up my plans. I don't know if they still went. I hope they had a good time if they did go.
This weekend is going to be crazy! Friday I am hoping to go to the community fair! It is so much fun. I go every year just before or on my b-day. I wanted Christopher to come but he has exams next week and I doubt he will want to do anything but study. He isn't really for the whole fair scene anyway. Which is a bummer. I wanted him to make me go on the high rides! I won't go unless someone forces me.
Saturday is my birthday!!! I don't get a party though. My cousin Aron is graduating from High School this year and where that only happens once in life time, I told my family to go to his party instead. Chris was invited up for a BBQ but once again I don't know how much he would want to go to that.
Sunday I get to go out with Chris! Finally he'll want to see me! lol :) It's going to be a really nice day. I am super excited. At home it is Jessica's graduation party but I'm not going muahaha. I have to go through the whole graduation bit with her anyway. I'll be there for everything else. I'm happy to be able to get away from it all and do something for moi!
Oh my, I don't know why but I'm in a pretty good mood.
Anyway I should get dressed and ready to go. Wish me good luck!

Love you dork
xoxo

7 things I hate about life.. a couple I love!

2005-06-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my birthday is in 7 days! yes!!! 7 days! That's all the time left and people who want to buy me presents are... well... running out of time. There is that ultimate gift that I would love to get any day. I dream about it and laugh and everything but I really want it. The problem is I CAN'T ASK FOR IT! It's a gift that has meaning and that someone has to think of on their own. It has to be because they want to get it for me not just because I ask for it. It's frustrationg because I know no one is going to think of it. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.
It's four months for me and Chris officially on Sunday. Yay. That just so happens to be the day he picked to want to hang out. (I'm not cool enough for any other day lol :D) I almost didn't get to go. He was going to get his parents to pick me up and my mom come get me but that was a no go. My mom is away for the weekend and his parents didn't want to drive anywhere. Then my mom says she is leaving us the car! Sweet deal I thought, until Jessica (my older sister) came home to pick up the car and drive her friends home at 11 and the keys weren't here! We called my mom and she said she "accidently" put them in her coat pocket and didn't think of them until they were in Bangor. I had a majour heart attack and was really PISSED and then Jess said she would convince her boyfriend, Dave, to drive me out to Chris' and pick me up.
Yesterday was my frist exam of my last exams of the year. It was math. It was made by the education departement in district and didn't arrive until that morning 15 minutes before I was supposed to take it. The teachers had no idea what was on it because they had never seen it before and they had no imput on what would be on the test. I took it and I didn't know ANYTHING on it. Not one thing had been taught to us. It was either stuff from grade 8 we never bothered to do or it was stuff from next year which we hadn't even seen before. I came home upset because it would really screw up my math mark. My dad got really pisses and called the school. He is planning on calling his friends at district if the school isn't going to do anything about it.
Last night was boring. My neighbour and his friend came over with Mikky D's and ate all mine and then trashed my house, and made me angry. They had like bummm sex with eachother and annoyed the crap out of me.
I miss Chris I haven't talked to him since Thursday, and I have no idea where he is! It's a great time.
I have to wait until 11 to go to my dads and he wants to take me and my little sister out for a drive or something. That'll be a bust. Katie is so annoying and when you put her in a small place it's like it gets filled with her annoyingness until you think you're going to sufficate.
I'm hungry, food would be nice right about now, but that means going upstairs. That isn't going over too well with my legs.
I keep hearing scary noises. I'm creeped out right now.
My neighbour kept ringing my doorbell and going around my house knocking on all my doors until like 3 in the morning. It didn't help that I was home alone and didn't want to get out of my bed. I got really pissed just laying there. If I had of had a phone with me I would have thrown it out the window at their heads.

I love you Dork
xoxo

Oh babe what a night

2005-06-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night was the sam de cham wake-o-thon. Oh my goodness it was so much fun!! I wasn't keen on going at first. Chris wouldn't be there and I didn't know a whole lot of people. So anyway I got there and the first thing I had to do was watch a french movie. It was like taxi but the french version. It wasn't the same actors or anything! I didn't understand a word of it. After about an hour chantal and sophie got on stage and started dancing and playing with the screen. And another half an hour after that Alicia gave up and turned it off. No one was paying attention. We were taken upstairs and they have four hallways that connect together and make a square. There was a majour game of musical chairs going on there!!! Oh man it was so fun.
We went to the cafeteria and we were told we were going to play hide and go seek. I got this bright idea to hide under a empty bureau by the front doors. It was turned around do I didn't realize that there was a hole cut out in the front so I crawled underneath this tiney little space at the bottom of the back of the desk. We played a couple of rounds. Oh then I hid in the boys washroom with Chantal Boutch. I turned out the lights and still managed to find my way around I nearly put my foot in the toillet though!!
We played gym games and what not for 2 hours, had a little dance, pizza came, went back to the gym and then had a 6 hour dance, but we did go to the playground for a half hour at 5:30 this morning so really it was only a 5 and 1/2 hour dance. It was nuts. I danced with Greg and William the whole night. They are halarious. Greg does not know how to move to a beat and Will is just a really crazy fun dancer. I had a lot of fun.
I am now friends with Will, Sabreina, Erica, Sophie, Alicia, Marc, better friends with Greg, Kayla, Jessy, Jaqueline, and some other people that were really nice I just don't remember their names :).
I got really sad at about 3 in the morning. Everyone had their boyfreinds/ girlfriends and I really missed Chris. He was still up in Fredericton because his team he is coaching made it to the finals. I have been awake for 30 hours straight right now. I had just fallen asleep when Brittany called and I couldn't fall asleep again.
Anyway it was a really good time.

I love you Dork
xoxox

Update

2005-05-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so everyone wanted me to update so here I am. I still really don't have anything to write about. All of it is rather personal. Personal stuff isn't cool to share either.
Exams are coming up in 2 weeks. I have one on Friday, June 10th, two on monday June 13, and one more on Tuesday June 14th. I will be so happy to get them over and done with.
Tonight is girls night. Britt, Jen, Becky, Julia and I are spending a night hanging out in Grand-Bay at Julia's house. It'll be hot! I am so happy I get to go. It was supposed to be last night but I wasn't able to go. Everyone switched around their plans just for me (but it did make me feel rather guilty).
Chris and I are doing great. Sometimes we go long peirods of time without seeing eachother but we make it work. I love him so much! Words can't even describe!
My birthday is coming up in 21 days. If anyone is looking for something to get me you can get ideas at my other post Brithday girl in T-minus 6 weeks.
Yesterday I got a banana split from school. It was a good time. There was lots of Ice cream, sprinkles, bananas, chocolate sauce, butter scotch, etc. Oh my goodness was it ever good.
School has been going ok. I don't remember a thing from any of my Math classes in the past week or two. I've just given up on paying attention. We learn the same thing over and over and over. It is so boring. French is starting to grow on me which is too bad because it is right at the end of the year. Next year I will hate it again and chances are I will have another stupid teacher to have to get use to.
In Science class I am not Vanna White when we play Jepordy. It is a great time. I color the squares on the chalk board and then earse them. That way it is like they light up and I make them go away.
I am still having trouble in school with some people calling me a slut, whore, fat, ugly, etc. I hope it goes away soon. Two guys in my class made me happy cards though. Just random stuff to make me feel somewhat better. It was very nice of them.
In BBT I am now on my own to do a power point presentation. I was Shelby's partner but now she is in getting her wisdom teeth pulled and can't come back to school for a week. So now I have to do it all myself. I don't mind that much though because now there is no explaining to someone and it doesn't take as long to make choices because it is all based on my taste lol :) I hope you feel better soon though Shelbs.
The summer is almost here and I am so happy. I love going to the beach and having time to relax. I have a whole week with the house to myself before Katie the Rug Rat gets off of school. I was supposed to have 13 days but the teachers moved their meetings so they get off early. Boo to that.
Last night I was supposed to go out with my dad. He wanted to go to a movie or to dinner or something like that. He never called. He might have been at work, he might not have been. He did however call looking for my older sister. I have no idea why. Chris came over and we watched movies and layed around and what not. We had some talk time too. I got a little present too. I love it! Being brought gifts for absolutly no reason is the best. It makes you feel all worm and happy/ important inside. Katie was at her friends house all night thank god. I am just happy that she wasn't around to bother us. Last night was much needed. I hadn't seen him in 9 days.
I have no idea what I am doing up it is only 9:09. It isn't like anyone else is up or that I have to be somewhere anytime soon. My house is quiet the only sound is the clicking of the keys. I am thinking about going back to bed but that will be a challange. I have already been up since 7:38!!! What's wrong with me!!
Anyway, I will try to update sooner with something meaningful and more then just a rant trying to sum up my life these past couple of weeks.

Love you dork
xoxo

Here's to being hopelessly romantic!

2005-05-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

Last night was family dinner. My uncle flew in from Alberta with his wife, my little cousin, my uncle Paul, aunt Barb, friend Mac, friend Fred, Grandfather, Grandmother, Mom, Brother, Brothers girlfriend, two sisters, Chris and sister's boyfriend Dave were all there.

It's actually quite funny. A couple of weeks ago my teacher asked us all to write a journal entree about what we think a good day would be, I described pretty much my day.

I woke up to the smell of home cooking. The sun was streaming in between the cracks of my blinds, I was just laying there and soaking up the feeling of how it was when I was little. I came downstairs to find my little cousin Britt and my little sister eating up eggs and toast and mine was being cooked with every intention of bringing it to me in bed. I took my place on the couch and rapped up in a blanket indulged in the great breakfast I had sitting in front of me. After I was done, I went upstairs and got a shower and dressed. I couldn't wait to see Chris. Around 1:30 or 2 Chris pulled up. I was outside on my front porch talking to Jen. When he got out of the car he stood there holding an armful of flowers. It was enough to see him to put a smile right across my face but it was more then enough of make me feel like I was going to cry happy tears. He walked up to the house and handed me a single pink rose with red around the top. We went inside and he handed a big bouquet of flowers to my mother. She gave him a big hug and that was it, he was a done deal in my family loving him. Chris and I walked to the corner store and I got some ice cream and he got a kinder egg. We walked back to my house in the rain. My family slowly but surly showed up and one by one all met Chris and pulled me to the side and said how good looking or nice he was. Chris and I spent most of our time in the basement or in my room. Supper went well and they ate all the food. The only thing that I didn't like about the day was that it had to end and Chris had to leave. Of course I am only giving the short version of my day but it was one of the best days I could pick.

2 hour lunches and 47 minute classes have all been changed back. We have 16 days of class left. Brittany and I spent our last lunch hour together. Spagos and shopping was how we ended them.

I'm so proud of Ben for getting his license! It's a blast driving with him.

Here's to you mom

2005-05-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

My mom, so much to say about her. From the time she was little until now she has always had high spirits and cared so much for every little thing.
When my mom was 17 she got pregnant with my brother. She didn't want to give up school so she still went to finish and graduate. The man who had gotten her into this situation took off and left her to do everything on her own. Just before my mom was supposed to graduate from high school she finally had my brother. My grand mother and grandfather took care of Matt while mom finished up and went to nursing school. She successfully graduated and became a wonderful nurse helping treat children with cancer.
A couple years into nursing school she met my dad. They quickly fell in love and my father shared the same love with Matt even though he wasn't his. They thought their lives were complete.
Some odd years later came my sister Jessica. Mom loved her as much as anyone.
Then came me! I was a rather cute baby but unfortunatly I got into a lot of things. My mom never lost her cool just accepted that I was going to be bad and took me for what I was.
Then came Katie. She was always so sweet then she turned bad tempered.
3 years after Katie was born my parents marriage fell apart. My mom was forced to move into town and rent a town house for the 4 children and herself. Us, the kids, didn't know any better of the stuggles. My mom was now a single working mother who had to support us all on a very small amount of money. She did so just perfectly.
She brought us up to believe in god, to cherish the small things in life, to not be greedy, to love and to accept being loved.
after 10 years we finally moved to my house now. We are closer then ever. My mom has been through so much bad stuff and has felt sorrow for so many years. My mom is one of the most amazing people you will ever meet. Everyday she puts our needs before her own and goes off to work to try to save the lives of young children. She is providing you all with a future because your employeer of the future, big company owner who employs millions every year, or next prime minister might just be lying in that hospital bed dying.
Mom loses so many patients ever year to cancer. She has to plan their funerals speek infront of hundreds of people and share the pain of it with them and yet she stands strong.
Mom sits in the kitchen and talks to me about my day when she is making supper. She wants to keep involved in my life. There are many parents out there who won't do that.
My mom is trying to be both parents to me at once, not many parents will do that.
My mom is trying to be the best she can be, not many people will even attempt that.

So here is to hoping that this is an amazing mothers day, to my mom, to yours and to all the soon to be, grandmothers and other women in the world.

Birthday Girl in T-minus 6 weeks

2005-05-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate? Tanner in a bottle. I decided I was going to try it and it only took to certain spots on my body. I feel all blochey and insecure about the way I look now. I always have but I never felt that weird about my complexion.

My birthday is in 6 weeks exactly from today! I'm so pumped.
In my imagination I have the perfect birthday gifts that I'd loved to be spoiled with. I know it isn't going to happen and I've never actually asked anyone for any of these things but it's nice to dream that I could possibly one day get these things.
A list of Birthday gifts which would be suitable for you to buy me:

~hop scotch chalk - this comes in handy when writing crude messages to your annoying neighbours for being the dumbest people ever or just don't leave you alone. It's fun seeing their reaction to it :)

~ clothes - you buy me anything semi granny/old lady type I hunt you down and cut up all your clothes and give you back the granny stuff to wear.

~Perfum - you usually can't go wrong with that. You just pick out the scent you like the most that way if I do wear it, it won't give you a head ache as soon as I walk in the door.

~Flowers - very classic and nice. Don't rely on the store clerk to help you. They will pick out the deadest and most expensive flowers so they get rid of them and get rich for it and you just look like an idiot who was a sucker and got cleaned out and then I'll laugh at you.

~Cards - If you only get me a card and no present then there better be money in it!!!

~Jewlery - friends should only buy earings or simple necklaces. Leave the bigger stuff to the boyfriend/family :D.

~Star- ok so I saw this on A Walk To Remember. The guy names a star after her. This is so romantic and nice but make sure I can find the stupid thing and can see it from my house. It better be the biggest brightest one ever! Just get the sun and re-name it. I can find that one easily enough.

~Chocolates - No cherries! I love coconut chocolates. Anything with nuts, peanut butter, dark dark chocolate or mocca or coffee save them and eat them yourself lol.

~Shoes - Mainly high heals and flip flops. I could go for a pair of phat farm Classic Mid white pink runners for girls. Leather ankle strap with velcro closure for a nice snug custom fit. Cool and crisp Phat Farm logo and detailing on side and rear. Extra set of wide laces included.

~Bed room excessories - Anything pink, orange, lime green or auqua blue will match my room. Anything girl will be accepted. If you bring army print or cheeta/lepord print into this house you will be forever written off (ex: My little sister)

~ Ring - A nice little ring with a cute little stone will always be accepted. White gold preferably with a little diamond. Nothing too too expensive then I'll just feel spoiled lol :)

~Trip - I will accpet anything as far as trips from the mall for a day of shopping (you pick up the tab) to going to the states, halifax or Alberta. If you take me for a trip to the local Mikky D's you're in trouble. Jungle Jims or any other place that their drinks would cost as much as a happy meal will be added to the list too.

~ Pictures - If you would like to pick up the tab for my photo's I have to email to Walmart and get printed out I would gladly let you do so.

~ Cell Phone - I would like a camera/ video phone with the bill paid for life. I won't make crazy insaine long distance calls so don't worry.

~A certain someone set in my room with a bow and a card from my mom saying I can keep him forever and use his as my teddy bear lol :)

~DVD's - I would like a collection of dvd's for my room. All romantic, funny, chick flicks, horrors or action packed.

~ Cable - I would like cable finally run to my room!!! grr we've been in this house for 8 months and I still don't have it. I'm the only one out of my sisters with a tv and dvd player and I don't have cable!!!

~A personal phone line run to my room.

~ Lap top - I would like a lap top complete with internet, best technology, cd burner, dvd burner and all that good stuff.

~Ice cream - a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and strawberry ice cream.

~ A kareoki set I love to sing enough said.

~Lots and lots of pillows.

~ A life time membership to the dairy queen. It hasn't been invented yet so invent one for me and make it creative.

~ A giraffe

~ A pink convertable sports car

~ A life time supply of any cookie I wanted!

For the rest of my life

2005-05-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

I sit here with nothing to do, nothing to say and yet a full story is running through my head. No one can hear it or read it, it just plays over and over to myself. It isn't sad, crazy or happy. It's a nothing. I'm not quite sure what it means or what it's about. Before it reaches the end it just starts over and as it plays it adds more to it each time. I'm not quite sure if I'm going crazy or if someone out there knows how I feel.

Family- Driving me crazy and out of my mind! They scream and yell at me. It ends up my fault over the stupidest things or the biggest things. They tear me apart. It's like they pull at my limbs and see how far they will stretch. The other week my mom came home from work right after my family had picked yelled and blamed me for things. I blew up in my room about 4 times. I didn't even yell at anyone just cried in my room. And even though no one was hurt or I wasn't being mean to anyone else I got in trouble. It's like my family has this picture of me in their heads and I have to live up to their expectations. I am never aloud to be upset I have to be calm and happy. So if that is the case, how is it my fault when they push me a little too far and I lose it? I can't be expected to keep it all inside, or can I?

Christopher- He makes me so happy. It kills me over the littlest of arguments. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love spending time with him. I'd spend all of it with him if I could. I love him with all of my heart. I do nothing but smile when i think or am around him. Thank you hunny! xoxo

Friends - We are pushing eachother away. New boyfriends means all their time is devoted to them. I don't blame them I would love to be able to spend my lunches with Christopher or be able to see him before, inbetween or after classes if I could. I would love to just spend time with him all the time. But because of these new guys I'm losing some of my good friends. I miss them. It seems like forever since it has just been us hanging out. I call someone who doesn't live so close and ask them to hang and there are all these excuses. They want to spend time with their boyfriends but don't know if they will be around, so instead of saying that they just lie. "Oh well I think I have a doctor's appointment. I'll check and see and get back to you." So I just get left there hanging. If their plans with their boyfriend work out then I'm the one left there hanging. I feel like a fool for it.

Girls - On the subject of boyfriends, I love how insecure people can be about them. They don't trust their boyfriend and yet they stay with them. They hate girls hitting on them and yet they don't trust their boyfriends to put an end to it or to not respond to the girl. They blow things way out of context or make a big deal of a rummor. They think that every thing a girl says or hears is true and of course once again don't trust their boyfriends and try to deal with it the wrong way. If it is just a rummor why would you make a big deal of it? Who cares it might just be someone trying to get another person in trouble or a stupid girl trying to get attention. From experience I know that it's usually one girl trying to get another girl in trouble.

Walking down the hall you look at these beautiful girls. Ones with perfect bodies, ones who have the money and stuff to do their hair so perfectly or spend hours on it, ones that have parents that have so much money to spend on clothes and spoile them and you just think why can't that be me? It kills me sometimes because you see some girls who think they are all better then everyone else and as much as you hate them you wish you were one of them. You wish that you could have someone look up at you and wish for one second that they were you. I hate how so many people make me feel like I'm not good enough or ever will be good enough.
I hate it and I hate you! You're fake! You're not who you make everyone beleive you are. You're just as insecure as the rest of us so why don't you just show it. Put everyones mind to rest and let them get on with their lives. Why can't you just be at our level. Why can't you make me feel a little bit better and let me be ok with me. Why can't you let me be good enough for you?

It seems like I only have one thing going for me and he is sitting at his computer in GB and reading this. I love him with all my heart. Almost three months :)

A wish for you...

2005-04-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew what was wrong.
I wish I knew how you felt or how to help you.
I wish I knew how to take the hurt away.
I wish I could stand beside you.
I wish I could hug you and tell you it was going to be ok.
I wish I knew the pain you felt so I could feel it too.
I wish you were closer and you never had to leave.
I wish I could be there and not say goodbye.
I wish you knew the love I feel when I look into your eyes.
I wish you knew the love if feel when you touch my hand.
I wish I could let you know exactly how I feel in every moment.
I wish these words weren't so hard to say.
I wish you knew how much I really do love you and how much it scares me.
I wish you knew I was here to help and be with you along the way.
I wish you could see that I am a part of you as long as I love you as much as I do.
I wish I could talk to you at this very moment.
I wish you weren't so upset and there was no more yelling.
I wish you knew how much it scares me and how worried I get.
I wish you knew the tears I've cried.
I wish you knew you don't hurt me, I am sad because you won't let me love you.

...I wish I may, I wish I might, let me have my wishes tonight...

I love you dork
xoxo
Never forget

My day

2005-04-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Last night was the start to my weekend. Thank goodness! I went to Milleville. Nancy and I made plans to meet up before she went into her dance. Christopher showed up before her so I was with him for a little while. Ben, Sass, and Landry showed up shortly after Nancy. I got cookies... yumm. Christopher hung out with his friends and Jen and I wandered around doing nothing. I really miss Chris so I was happy to see him even though it wasn't all that long.
After he went to the dance Jen and I left to go to Mikky D's. We were about half way there when Bruce poped out of the bushes with three of his friends. They told us they wanted to egg a house so we walked away. Instead of egging a house they tried to hit us. Their shot was horrible and of course they missed. Jen took off like a mad man and ran after them. She passed all Bruce's friends and almost caught Bruce. After she made her way back we spotted two more people in the bushes. It sounded like Cole and Andre. We ran to see them and unfortunatly it was only Tom and Ben.
We all went to the swings. I was freezing. It felt like we were in Elementry school again because we went swinging and all of a sudden Ben screamed out "Oh my goodness! Tom! You're in my shower!"
We got cold and went to Mikky D's finally. Joey, Ryan, Marcus and Andrew showed up. They were a good time. Joey likes to act like he is gay and then like he is depressed and asks for steaks. Me and Ben piged out on burgers and fries. Ben, Landry, and Sass showed up with three other people. After about two minutes we all got kicked out. I stayed with Ben, Sass and Landry for a while. We talked and I got lots of hugs and once again got really cold.
I stayed out until about 10:30 and then called it quits and went home.

This morning I woke up at 6:30 to go to work. Urgh... that was horrible. I didn't have time to eat breakfast so I was hungry all day. I really hurt my back so I had some pop and candy, pain killers and slushie and was sent home with 20$. I love working in a store that isn't opened yet and getting to taste test all the food that comes in the store to make sure it is fresh and good to go!
Tonight we had a family dinner. I wanted to call Christopher but he went out biking so that was out of the question.
I went out running I ran all the way uptown and around town and back home. I am in a lot of pain right now.

These tears I'm crying are for you

2005-04-21T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm in the worst of moods today. I just feel like crying. No updates today.

P.S. Physio sucks!

I'm not enough for you

2005-04-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

You don't know how many times I've gone to bed and cried. I've sat there and blamed myself for everything for everyone's problems.
I sit there and think to myself what if I had acted different. What if I had done everything she wanted? What if I showed more love? What if her trying to kill herself was all my fault?
What if my family would still be together. If I hadn't come into this world and been one more thing to fight over? Would you two still be together and love eachother? What if it was all my fault?
What if I got up and worked more? What if I was my own source of money? If I bought them stuff would my family love me? What if money could buy love or is everything all my fault?
What if I was gone? Would you love me more then? What would happen if I wasn't around to love anymore? Would it just spark something inside of you and know what you are missing or would I just be blamed and it all be my fault?
Why is it that no matter what I do nothing is good enough for my family? Why is it that no matter what....
It is all my fault?

I don't know what to do any more. I just want to leave and not come back. It seems that my family is never happy with what I do. I can be a good student, I can keep to myself and keep the house clean. I can do things without being asked and lend my money and clothes. I can be a good sister at times and be a good daughter. But even so it's never enough for anyone.

Lets make a night to remember!

2005-04-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

I have had a funny feeling in my tummy latly. (hehe my tummy just gurggled) but thats not why. I feel like something bad is going to happen to me. Something that is going to make me fall apart. Something that will make me so upset and I don't know how to change it. Nancy, who makes sence of all my problems or feelings, doesn't even know. It's so frustrating. I just need a little reasurance on what I'm upset over and then I'll be ok.

Last night was Christophers night out with the boys. Lord only knows what they did. I wasn't about to sit at home waiting to see if I'd hear from him at all. I went out with Britt and Jen. Man did we ever have a good time. We met up with so many people. Cailin and Milah were so frigin funny. What a state they were in. After a few hugs and a few tied shoes we left the two of them with Steve, Scotty, and Mats. We were off again. This time we met up with Tom, Ben, Rob, and Jeremy. I haven't hung out with them since last summer. I forgot how much I had missed it. I love them all so much. Ben, Britt, Jeremy, Rob and I were all best friends since elementry school. Good times in the round school.
We went to McDonalds and Rob got up on the table and danced to blink 182. He jumped off the table doing air guitar and rolled around for a while. I thought I was going to pee my pants laughing. Jeremy spilt all his pop just as the lights in the store went out. Pat, the manager, came back and asked if we had turned out the lights. "Yes Pat we did because we all know there are light switches at the back of the store, in the open, where anyone can turn off the lights at any time they wish." We all had a good chuckle as Pat told us about what the next couple years of school will be like.
We were at M.G.T for a while and swung on the swings. I talked like a man and called everyone big Daloris, Naideen, Chuck noris, Franciskiss, or Big Burtha. It was a good time. In my mind everyone had a sweet ass too. Jen killed her elbow trying to hit Rob and Tom mooned everyone. I think Brittany liked it a little too much though :P

There were so many stars out. I just took a couple of minutes and swung on the swings and just looked at them. I don't remember the last time I saw so many. Since I moved closer to the city there are more lights, you can't see them anymore. I can only see about 2 or three. It was such a beautiful night.

So we spent the night running around MillVille trying to see if Ben, Chris, Landry and Sass would come out. I guess they didn't. BUT MAN DID WE EVER HAVE FUN!

Thanks for everything last night Britt and Jen.

Latly I seem to be meeting more people and getting lots of new friends. Even some of my old friends are coming back around. Mike had told me he was sorry for everything he had done and said to me in the past couple of months. It was probably one of the best sorrys I had ever heard becuase it was one of the ones that ment the most. Mike has and will always be one of my best friends EVER! I don't know what it ment last night when Milah and Cailin were so sweet and hugging me and everything but I wish more then anything they would consider me a friend again. I've known Cailin since Kindergarten. I miss her so much. I miss all the Millville North girls.

Well thats all for now.
I love you dork xoxo

I'm walking on egg shells and they are starting to crack

2005-04-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 2 months for me and Chris yay! Ben laughed at me because I got excited over it. But after being in pointless relationships and being dumped by guys after a month or something close to it every time, you tend to get excited over it.
He came over after school so from 3:45 until 8:05 we managed to have a whopping 15 mintues to ourselves! My little sister managed to do everything in her power to follow us around. After mom got home and Chris was gone I politly mentioned the situation to her. Some how the whole thing became my fault. It's my fault Katie isn't around us more. I'm the one being mean and annoying toward Katie. Katie conciders Chris a friend and I'm taking that away from her. So my mom yelled at me so much she made me cry. She says it isn't fair to make Katie stay away from us but how is it fair to me to let her bug me out of my mind. Chris can put on a good face for Katie, he is nice and plays with her, jokes and carries on. Kaite loves it but I know how annoying he thinks it can get some times. I can manage a good show for Katie some times but then she pushes it and every little ounce of me that was trying to be nice gets taken over by the big part of me that thinks what the hell is she doing I can be nice and she takes it and blows it!
Yesterday I also got my home report. Marks were as the following:
English: 93%
Math: 91%
Science: 90%
Gym: 85%

......

French: 72%
Ick I know 72% it's gross and unnecessairy! Oh well

Today was boring. I did my whole english essay at lunch which we had about a week or a little over to do. It was amazing 5 pages long! eeks!
Students were planning a walk out. Everyone I asked about it said well I'll do it if another 100 people do it first. Less chance of getting in trouble or so they think. No one did it. It all had to start with one or two people and no one could do it. So it is planned again for another day but once again I don't think it will happen. My thoughts are, if you really believe in something why not stand up for it? If it is your right as a student to get all you can out of your education why not make a stand for it and help the teachers? And if you are pushing the government to see we want our teachers back, why are the teachers not supporting it and suspending people for it? It seems rather dumb. Simonds did an amazing walk out. The guys took off their shirts and waved them at cars. With faces painted, shirts flying and signs gathered they hit a popular intersection and blocked off traffic knowing it would get everyones attention. The cops showed up and instead of kicking the kids out of the area they made sure no one hit them and that they were safe! It was awesome!

Tomorrow is a day off for us. Sam de Cham was supposed to have school but the students there are ALOUD to go on strike and so school is canceled for them in hopes to push the government. I was right excited to go see my friends from there but it doesn't look like that will be happening.

My older sister just came down.
"Linds, can you check if Dave is online?"
"No, he isn't."
"Linds! CHECK IF DAVE IS ON!"
"No Jess! He isn't!"
"Let me check my emails!"
I clicked onto the internet to go to hotmail.
"Hotmail!!!"
"I know!"
"Don't get snotty with me!"
"I wasn't but you're bossing me around for something I already know how to do!"
"I was not! You're just a little bitch!"
"Go away! I have the computer I'm doing you a favor by letting you check your emails. Just leave right now!"
"You little BITCH! I have to go to work!"
"I really don't care, you expect me to be nice and you call me that!"
"Because you are, you're nothing but a bitch!"
She finishs checking her email and leaves storming up the stairs still swearing and promising I was the bitch in the family.
Why do I get called stuff like that for doing something nice and getting bossed around while doing it?

Days go bye

2005-04-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ok so I started BBT today. How lovly. It was rather boring. It looks like I won't get a chance to come on here and write if I have extra time BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ANY!

Tomorrow we get report cards. I am scared. The second highest mark in french class was 75. I doubt very much that I got the highest so I am worried to see what I will get.

On my piczo site last night I got this comment. "I don't think kat will like you calling her boyfriend a sweety too much..." Not even thinking about any other Kat's I assumed it was Kat A. I wrote a reply that mike and myself had been friends for a very long time and so I think she would be more mature then to get mad over a nice comment even if it was about her boyfriend. I got to school today and was told by a few people that it was Dave's g/f. I have never met her before and so I never really thought of her being the Kat. I was told she was pissed at Dave and there was question of him flirting with me. It is rather funny because I just said he was a sweety which I say about many people. He and I are just friends. So if there is any confusion out there with anyone. Dave doesn't flirt with me, I don't flirt with him. I love Christopher and I know Dave loves Kat. Some people need to get over small things like that.

I went and got contacts today. I am really happy!! It's not as hard as I thought that it would be.

Present shopping day didn't go too well. Britt looked at music with Ben all lunch hour and well I just had no idea so after about 30 minutes I gave up and went to lunch with Jen.

I think I have physio tonight but I'm not sure. Hmmm...

I started to paint my room last night. It is so pink. Like pinker then barbie pink, pinker then bubble gum pink. IT'S SO PINK!

Tomorrow is two months for Christopher and I officially! Yay!

It's a beautiful morning

2005-04-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

Well I have been getting a lot of requests from people to update so here I am. When people are persistant enough people try to meet their needs or requirements.

Since we have moved into our new house everyone has been getting new stuff except for me. Not once have I opened my mouth and asked for one rediculously expensive thing to put in my room or to have to jazz something up. For the first time my mom picked out something for me. "Look at this cover for your bed. It's only 20$, nice and cheap. Would you like it?" I did like it. It was rather cute. Naturally I ordered it online thinking it would be in within a week or a week and a half. It's been two weeks already and I just got an email saying they were sorry to inform me but it wouldn't get in for another month! MAY!!! URGH!! I got paint for my room and I have my fingers crossed it will match.

Last night Christopher was over. It's hard at my house for me and him to be alone because my little sister hangs off of him. He is so nice to her which I love and my mom loves but there is just a point when she has to leave! She spies and bugs people and doesn't give a moments peace. Before supper she made chris a deal that if he played her in one on one in bball and he won she would go away. Of course her rules were bogus. He could only shoot from about 8 feet away, he had to get 10 pts. and she had to get 5 and she was aloud to go to the rim and she traveled like nuts! She won, go figure. At supper she didn't shut her mouth once. Taking over the conversation with Chris was what she seemed to do best. After supper Chris and I went outside to play basket ball by ourselves. Two seconds after being out there Katie came out and took over the game. I was forced to sit on the side and watch. I went inside and katie kept the game going with him. After a while he came inside and I had hit my head. He went to go give me a hug and Katie came over and of course joined in the hug.
Later on Chris and I were laying down watching tv and Katie came down and sat down next to us. There are other tv's in the house and she was grounded from the computer which left no reason for her to be there. Not to mention the fact that she was not aloud to be around us according to my mom. I went upstairs fed up. She followed. When my mom asked what was going on I told her. She got angry with Katie. She just replied " I didn't want to be alone." RIGHT after she told me she didn't want to be upstairs with my mom. The upstairs living room was free and my mom was in her room! It was the last straw!
Chris told me not to worry about it and we got into a little argument and didn't talk for a while. I felt like crying and somewhat did. It was just my last nerve.

My back hurts. I went to the doctor and now I have to go to physio. I start monday or the week after.

I lost in the school election. I didn't really mind because I had fun while it lasted. I just hated after how people had snippy remarks and made me feel like I was dumb for running or thinking I had a chance. It was rude.

My uncle left back to Alberta after a week of being here. I forgot how great it was to have him around. I miss him so much. He comes back in a month but it will be his last visit for a very long time because things will get busy for him.

Well that's all for now.

-Love ya dork xoxo

It's midnight

2005-04-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

Well I just read Becky's blog and feel the same way. Maybe it is time to end this. Here and now.
We had started these blogs to let out our pain and we got nothing but rude comments which caused twice as much pain. We got judged for having feelings. We were told we were searching for pitty. It was so pointless. I put my life and feelings out there from day to day and got shot down. Everything seems to be going ok now. I have nothing to complian about and so much to be thankful for. And even though I want to share the good, I seem to be shot down for that too. So right now I say goodbye to my blog. A cinderella story is what I'm living right now. "Real love stories don't have happy endings because true love stories never end." My story is just beginning. I wish I could take you along for the ride but it's just something too many people don't want to follow or hear about. It isn't like there are many readers to this blog anyway. I hope all the readers had a good ride though. I loved your comments and loved to know whoever was reading really had interests in my thoughts and outlooks on things.
I hope to hear from you all for one last time or email me partegirl_MG_90@hotmail.com!

I love you all but it's time I stood on my own two feet and stop holding this security blanket. Some time from now, who knows, maybe I'll look back and have a laugh or two, smiles or tears in my eyes and my heart will be filled with happiness or forgiveness!

It's midnight for cinderella and it's time for her to go back to where she came from until she is found again and brought into the spotlight for everyone to see her for who she really is. Until she is appreciated by everyone. Until there is no more mean comments and no whispers behind her back.

-Love you dork
xoxo

Pour me something tall and strong... it's 5 o'clock somewhere

2005-04-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Well these past few days have been kind of over load for me. Everything was thrown at me at once.
I started running for 10 V.P. How fun that is. I was not even aware that interveiws had been held and that I had missed them. A teacher found me and asked me if I would still like to be part of it. Naturally I agreed because I obviously wanted to take part and all my friends were looking forward to helping me. The morning I found out everyone started posting up posters and giving out stickers saying to vote for Becky, the girl I am running against. "Oh joy" I thought to myself, "How fun this will be getting into the election late and trying to win back some of my voters." I expect everyone that made a promise to Becky to vote for her to follow through. I have more repsect for that then them changing their minds a million times. I handed out fliers today asking people to vote for me. The odd person wouldn't be so kind towards me. I got fliers ripped up and thrown back in my face. I got trashed by people asking me why I would even begin to think I would ever be elected! I had joined this wanting to give a little back to the school, to help out and get involved. I really thought that I would be someone who would be good to represent my grade... boy I guess I was wrong! I am still going to give it my all and fight this until the end!
Teachers went on work to rule. Classes were cut to 46 minutes and lunch is now two hours. TWO FREAKIN HOURS! What am I going to do with all that time!?
Christopher came over last night, finally a night to relax. It was an amazing time as usual... that is until Katie shows up. She always manages to barge into the room demanding the computer. An hour away from it is just too much for her to handle. Promises to stay away mean absolutly nothing to her. It's always funny how she manages to come at just the wrong times. THEN when she is there, she makes smart remarks and always tries to stick her nose in my business. The odd time she says something that is ment to be mean to me but just ends up being halarious. "I'm going to go get a stick to beat you with." Chris that was way too funny I'm so sorry lol!!!
My uncle is flying in from Alberta tonight. He gets here at 11 am. I can't wait to see him! It's the first time I will have since he left me in january. I have missed him so much! TACCO NIGHT! Oh I can't wait!
Tomorrow is girls night out. Becky, Julia, Britt, Jen and I are making our way out east to catch ourselves a movie! God we are so dumb when we are all together! I love it!
Christopher leaves for basketball provincials tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't hurt himself if he plays! Chris you better not! grrr...
Anyway that's all for now.

much love!

The most amazing time ever!

2005-03-26T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up at 7:30. The room was totally sealed off from any light. The alarm was set for 9:45. That left 1h 15 mins to get ready to go out. It was more then enough time. If I had gotten up any earlier then I would have been ready and bored before they came to get me. I tossed and turned for what seemed like forever. It seemed like night so what was the problem?! Had I not looked at the clock I would have thought it was about 12 am. At 8:45 I got up and got ready. There was no sence in trying to sleep anymore because it wasn't happening. I was ready by 9:45 and wasn't getting picked up until 11. I layed around the house counting down the minutes until they came. They got there at 11:15 and we took off to his basket ball game. We had 15 minutes to get there. We pulled up just as the clock struck 11:30. A sigh of releaf as we were there just in time. Nathan was there. "Chris Crabbe. I knew you would either bring Brittany or Lindsay." Brittany?! Why would he bring brittany. I just sat there and laughed and thought what an idiot comment that was. The whole game his parents and I were talking, about SJHS, the ref, PES, friends, his knee and life. I sat on the edge of my seat the entire time. At the end of the game someone pushed him and he spun around in a 360. I was convinced he had landed on his knee but it was his head and wrist. He didn't move for a while. I thought I was going to cry. Nathan could tell I was upset. He and Nathan were on the bench together and started talking. "Oh no. God only knows what Nathan is telling Chris now..." I thought to myself. He talked to him about how Emilee had said that she was going out with Chris all that time while we were friends and how Chris had no idea who he was. He also told Chris about the 5 times me and Nathan had gone out... WE WERE DUMB AND LITTLE! Anything before the end of middle school cannot count as a boyfriend lol.
We went to tim hortons after the game. Chris changed his mind a couple of times before he decided on a coke while I got an ice cap which was his first choice. By the time we got up the hill he was already regreting changing his mind and wanted an ice cap.
We went to his house and he took a shower. He surprised me with gummy bears (my fav) and an easter gift. I got a heart shaped box and inside three candles (one of which I am burning right now, yummy butter rum). It was so nice and unexpected.
We came back to my house and watched a movie. After the movie we just layed around and snuggled. For supper I made his favorite yummy grilled cheese haha and He ate the kinder surprise eggs I bought him plus the cookies I made him.
After supper we had started a fire. Katie was way too annoying so we left her and her friend and headed back inside. When they were done we went out for a little bit. All the stars were out and wrapped up in a blanket infront of the fire roasting marshmellows just seemed so sweet.
After we were done we went out for a walk and just talked about everything. We ran into two people I used to take the bus with, James C. and Colton. They were going on about how school was and how these ugly chicks tried to pick them up and take them to The Game tonight.
We came home and just layed around some more.
I'm a very simple minded girl. I don't need anything big or glamerous. All I need is him. Today seemed like the most amazing day in the world. It wasn't anything big but it was all stuff that doing it together made it the best!

Love ya dork!

Random I's

2005-03-25T13:51:00.000-08:00

TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW! YAY!
I'm pumped! :)

I'm bored and I need help :S

I have 10 toes.

I'm in a happy mood right now

I'm listening to kiss me. Oh so old school.

I want to watch the replacements.

I want to talk to Christopher but he's too busy at the moment.

I'm outty!

Party over there!

2005-03-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

Well today was a good day! I got to talk to Chris for a while this morning before he left for school. I was in no hurry to get ready to leave. I had breakfast for the first time this week. Toast with peanut butter! Yummy! I got to school and was greeted by Becky and Britt. Oh how great of moods they are in first thing in the morning haha. John got me some coffee to wake me up. French was funny when Spence did his speech. He looked at the tv and said that the indians gave it to us 85 years ago. Then he picked up a greek temple and said it was from the indian's too and it stood for peace humanity and love. Then he said the indians were wise and gave us our knowledge. Then he drew a stick person and said it was his friend freddy and he liked the titanic and his favorite song was my heart will go on. He lives in a house with barb wire so he can't get out but he loves to do the chicken dance. Oh my goodness I laughed so hard. Math was math we had a test which I did amazing on. Science I got my mark back 90% woot!
At lunch I had such a health lunch, juice box, some pepsi, chocolate eggs and gumm. It was the bomb.
I think I failed my english and health tests.
I went to my dads tonight. It was alot of fun!
Tomorrow I have no life. I'll sleep and try to fill my night tomorrow.
I am so pumped for Saturday! :) Woot Woot!

3 days 'til Easter!

Love ya dork xoxo

The letter of the day is C

2005-03-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

Deception: providing intentionally misleading information to others.

We've all done it. Deceived our parents, friends, loved ones, and teachers to have things the way we want. It's all too common these days. Today in english we had to write on wither we thought our society was too competitive and why. I thought long and hard about the subject and came to the conclusion that yes we are. We compete for the love of someone else all the time. We run around doing dumb things and hurting one another to compete for what we want as far as love. We do it and don't think of our actions. We may hurt the people we love most but don't care because we need to have that one time love. The peoride of time in which we fell like we have acomplished something. Then I thought of how we compete with ourselves to fit in. We see these skinny people who look so glamerous on magazines.We want to be just like them. We don't have anyone pressuring us except ourselves. We push and we push to look just like them until we end up in a hospital bed hooked up to I.V's that are pumping us food into our systems. We all want to strive to be something better but we do it at the expense of others and ourselves. How many of you are willing to hurt someone you love to see if maybe you could have a night of fun? How many are willing to put their life on the line because they don't think they are beautiful? How many will use someone as a stepping stone to put yourself in a higher position in life?
We all do it. We all compete but what happened to the times when it was just in gym. Hoping to be our own personal best? We are all beautiful and we are all loved. We can all get to where we want to be in life but walking on our own two feet. We don't need to use people as stepping stones. We can get there on our own. It may take a little longer but you manage to climb on your own. We don't need to push other people to see how far their love will strech or how far your love for another can be pushed out of mind just to have a fling with someone. I think our society needs to be less competitive between eachother and use that ambition to work toward something more. Why don't we all just put on our good shoes and put our best foot forward?

It's the unexplainable

2005-03-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Every day with you seems so unbelievable. It is amazing with every simple thing. You're more to me then you know you are. You're more then the world to me. With a look, a word, a smile, a laugh you make me fall to moosh. I close my eyes and remember. Every little detail comes flooding back. When you look into my eyes I get butterflies in my tummy. The words you speek are so gentle they are more then just words. It's undescribable the way I feel. It's like seeing the sunset on a mountain top, it's like seeing the 7 wonders of the world and expeirencing them all at once. I know the taste, the smell, the touch, the feeling of everything. It's what makes me happy. When I close my eyes I can see the smell and feel the touch. It forms my dreams and my thoughts.

Forever and ever, stay true and yours. Love and lust till the end. Yours until you want no more. Kisses and hugs, Tickle and fights. Memories I can keep forever. You in my heart.

Teddy Bear Fair

2005-03-19T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the teddy bear fair! Oh my goodness it was halarious.
Britt and I got put into different rooms to help out. After about an hour of standing around handing out stickers my moms friend Sue came in and told me I could go for a break. I ran down the hall and grabbed britt right away!
We went to et pop and ran into TORI! Oh she is a card she is. So we got something to drink and sat down and talked about stuff. Mmmm... good talks! :)
We took pictures with this guy who was supposedly cute but he had a big bear suit on for the kids. We never did get the hot chicken or the sun.
I went back in and me and my friend Andrea got our own room. We were bruital. We put casts on and they were all twisted and falling off. We thought we did amazing, all the kids looked discusted with our attempts.
Her friend came in from another room and we put a cast on her arm. It fell off so we taped it there!
After it was done me and britt did up our teddy bears and put a cast on my hand.
Oh my goodness. We laughed so hard for the longest time. It was a lot of fun.

Well world say hello to your future!

2005-03-15T12:26:00.001-08:00

It's sad what this world has come to. It's sad how we fonction as a society. It scares me to think that things have really gotten this bad. Today in last class we get news that yesterday kids from our school were planning on blowing up the school.
When I heard the news I thought so many things at once. Had my friends not gone to the principal with the news I could be dead or seriously hurt. Why would they want to do it? Was it some big joke? Were they hurting? Where things really that wrong with their life to think this was the only way out?
I admitt my life is less then perfect but I really have no right to complain. I don't think about putting other people's lives in danger to help me out of my own problems.
This has not be the only exprience latly with stuff like this.
They were kids my own age. Why couldn't they turn to someone?
What is really happening to the world around us?
Why are we turning out this way?
Well world say hello to your future!

Last night was the night

2005-03-12T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was exactly what I needed. It was an all out pick me up. I felt like I was plastered to the road and people were running all over me. I couldn't feel lower then I had been. I felt like dirt.
Chris got home Thursday night and I finally got to talk to him at 11. I filled him in on what had been going on and of course he was there for me 100%.
He came over yesterday at 3ish. It was so good to see him again. I ran to the door with a big grin on my face. i felt like a 5 year old on christmas morning.
We spent the rest of the day together just doing everything and anything. We watched movies. I made pizza. We had a CHOCOLATE fondue and it was really cute. At 11:30 we took him home finally.
I slept all the way home in the car.
I got on the computer at 12am and to my surprise Chris was still on. We stayed up for another hour just talking on the computer before he turned in for the night.
I slept better last night then I have in a while.

Today is one month for me and him :) I'm so happy.

I feel like going to the movies or something... hmm... possiblity there.
It's 11:30 and I still haven't eaten yet today. That might be an idea.

Love you all!
Dork xoxox

Life keeps on truckin'

2005-03-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

This is just an update on my great day...
As of right now, I am sitting around waiting for Christopher to get home. Will he ever just come home!? I'm listening to music... You guess what song by now I'm guessing. For those of you who guess Brian Adams - When you love someone YOUR ABSOLUTLY wrong... It's bon jovi - bed of roses. If Chris is reading this he would know that. He knows I'm addicted to that song.
This morning I layed in bed until oh... 10:30 I think before I actually got up to start the day. I really didn't have any reason to get up. Mom and Katie took off to Moncton for the day where Katie gets to be spoiled beyond beliefe. I gave it up but because Katie isn't having such an easy time these days she gets everything she wants. If she doesn't then she freaks out and makes everyone else put up with her crap until she gets it.
So anyway, I got up and came downstairs. Jessica was going through some collage pamplet or something or rather. So of course there was an imaginary but huge, DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging over her head with red flashing lights.
I scowered the house looking for the money my mom left me for me to live off for the day. Score on 20$ for me!
I updated my piczo site... such a long and boring time. It's really pointless but it's fun to look back on pictures that bring up old memories. *Sigh* The good old days when nothing really mattered.
At about 1 or 1:30 I got up off my sorry butt and called the doctor to find out when they could check out my back... a lot of good that did me... I don't get in for another MONTH! AHHH!!! It's killing me today and so I'll just go to the emergancy room next week. I'm not waiting for a month.
After that I got a shower, got dressed, did my hair and put on make up so I looked somewhat presentable. So By that time my stomach was really growling. I hadn't eaten yet so I made my way to the kitchen for some food. Of course me being as dumb and careless as I am spilled some crap on my shirt!!! So back upstairs I went to get changed.
I came down and watched a tv show which of course is way more dramatic then anyones life really. It's funny but in a way if something happens that's sad they blow it way out of context and it becomes all sad which causes you to shed a tear or two. I mean soapoperas are rather over rated... Who really has that many good looking friends. And what place is only populated with 20 people and has two gangs!? And each gang consists of three people in one and just one in the other?! Hmmm... that's a thinker. Lets take a moment to ponder... (one mississippi two mississippi three mississippi) Ok I'm done... The answer is.. ZERO!
So of course this brings me back to how it all started. It's 5:30 I'm still home alone. Still waiting for Christopher to come home but not listening to Bed of Roses. It's all over.
Tonight I am going out with Britt, Ben, Jen and Matt. How interesting this will be. Everyone is coupled up but me!!! I really shouldn't bother going. It's north end bowling. But hanging out with friends is a good time. It's either that or I sit home with my little sister and cousin and listen to them scream and carry on or be bugged by my older sister and her boyfriend. I think the friend option is the best way to go.
Opps And I was just invited to go to the movies but I can't cause I'm going bowling with the married couple! lol.

Ok so I just got home from bowling. I don't know if Chris is back yet or not.
Bowling was fun. I did it old school bend over and drag the ball along the floor while holding it with both hands. It was funny because the kid next to me was doing the exact same thing. When I realized how lame I really looked I stopped lol. I lost the first time and came in second the second game we played. I was wearing a crown too! So then we walked back to Ben's house. On the way we met ROD! Oh my goodness he is a funny one. He was wearing his baby blue pants he and Chris picked out for their last dance and a big red sweater. He totally clashed it was awesome! So Matt Jen Britt and Ben are back at Ben's house and me, I sit at home waiting to see if I will hear from Chris tonight. Chris if you read this STILL CALL ME I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS!!!

Anyway, I'm outty for now!
-Peace people!
Love ya Dork xoxo

nella vella donut seeds!

2005-03-09T15:40:00.000-08:00

My life is nothing but a roller coaster. It goes up and down all the time. I seem to be on a very bumpy ride. Latly nothing seems to be going my way at all. Everyones problems seem to become mine again. My biggest one being friday's insident. I miss the feeling of knowing nothing but happy. I'm starting on highs and lows.
No one other then my close friends care about me anymore. My family has bigger things that need to be focused on. My friends or what were have problems so they can't help me or they just hate me now. Everyones problems need my attention and mine are just left in the shaddows waiting to present themselves and no one knows they are there they just grow and grow.
I have day dreams about it sometimes. My problem is a little monster. It's scary looking but it's small. No one really pays attention to it. It lerks in the shaddows and I know it's there but no one believes me. It just feeds off my fear and it gets bigger. One day I know it will get too big. It will put one foot out into the light. It moves toward me and casts a shaddow that gets closer and closer to me. Until it finally does. It reaches me and I have no where left to run. What will happen then?!
If someone has something to say to me that will hurt me tell me now and get it all out because I don't know how much more of this I can handle!!
I can't wait for tomorrow. It will be my pick me up. Chris comes home and I am going out bowling for Ben's birthday with some people!

God's will?

2005-03-08T15:35:00.000-08:00

I have been in a weird mood for the past week almost. I feel like everything I know I can't know. The only things I do know I don't want to. I don't want to know how to cry anymore. I don't want to know what the meaning of shedding a tear is. I don't want to know what death is or how it feels to lose someone. I don't want to know how or what it is to be scared. Fear is consuming me. In every thought all these things dwell inside me. It's true what they say, you never know what you have until you've lost it. I never knew and I still don't know how lucky I am to have her in my life but I know how scared I can be to lose her. Everyone who knows whats been going on in my life asks me on a day to day basis, "how are you? How do you feel? Are you ok?" The truth is I feel like hell, I don't know how to feel or how to cope. I don't know if I'm ok. I do know if she had the knowledge of what she was trying to do I would be without her. I would be alone. It is a scary thought and it's a sad one but I have no way of expressing it or letting out all this fear. Plans and activities put together within the corse of a couple of minutes that are supposed to let you let everything out only last for a couple of minutes. Then the thoughts of what happened come flooding back and the fears, and sadness come flying back and hit me twice as hard. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

We get better as we get older, true? Maybe

2005-03-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't even feel like getting out of bed today. I had the blinds closed tight, the curtains pulled and a blanket thrown over that to make sure no light would get in. I woke to the sound of children laughing. It was only on a cartoon that my sister had been watching and left running. I sighed and rested my head on the pillow again. I closed my eyes and tried to remember when I would wake to the sounds of my sisters laughing and going on. I couldn't remember. After an hour of laying there just thinking I got up to see what my family was doing. As I walked out my room a burst of cold air came over me and gave me the chills. I checked everyones rooms and they were all empty. The bed was made in two and in my moms the tv still ran and the covers a mess where I could tell my sister had been laying down. As I continued downstairs it seemed to get colder and colder. No one was in the living room watching tv or reading, the only other life in the house was my little sister sitting at the computer chatting with her friends online. What ever happened to the days of having a warm house. Not just heat wise but warm in love and in spirit? Everyone in my house has become so cold. They show no emotion except for the bad. My family is falling apart. It's like an old shirt. There are old stains that remind me of the bad times, holes from missing things within us, strings that are pulling and if someone pulls anymore it might cost us a part of our shirt. But in the end, I love my old shirt but no one seems to care it's there. It's unwearable. No one will look at it with the same love and desire and say I want that!! I want my family to be ok again. For now I will take in the memories, the smells, the good times and when another bad time rolls around I will remember.

Can you see what's happening 'cause I don't have a clue

2005-03-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

I sit here with my bagel watching hope floats, which is surely not to be the last time today. It is the first day of March Break and I don't even seem to care. It is a time for people to spend time with family and go out and have a good time with friends. I don't get to have a good time with friends. All mine have gone away or live out in GB. The ones who live here have things they will have to do in the next couple of days. A certain someones birthday. Anyway, everyone will be busy right until the point I will end up being busy. I have nothing to do to keep myself preoccupied until wednesday night. I am being stuck with family right now. A sister infact. I would rather be out and about even if it was on my own then being stuck here. I don't mind spending time with family but when you are annoyed and fed up and it brings back bad memories then I think I have the right to not want to be around it!
Hmm the mother and daughter are fighting right now. Reminds me of my family. My sisters and my mom will scream and yell and carry on with eachother. My mom is the only person I have in this house so I know not to scream and ruin that.
I'm definetly bored. I slept all yesterday and I will probably do the same. Dreams are always sweeter then my life when my good friends aren't around. They can be there with me that way!!
I miss my two stars. It's been clowdy and snowing and I can't see them at night. I only have my teddy bear to snuggle up with and hug lol. I miss being huged. It's been a while.

Blue Crushed Emotion

2005-03-05T04:10:00.000-08:00

It hasn't even been a day and I don't even know what to do with myself. I never go a day without talking to Chris and yet I have to go another 5 days... HOLY MOLY!!!

Yesterday was like anyother day. I woke up before my buzzer even went off and just layed in bed and watched the sun come up. I was fully awake by the time my alarm clock actually went off. In habit I went downstairs and listened to music and did what I would do if I were talking to Chris.
I went to school and was bored out of my mind!!! We had an assembly for presenting awards to kids who are smarter then me. (I obviously didn't get one. No one in my row did and I think we were all happy about it because we didn't have to get up and look like we were looking down on everyone who would have been less smart then us.) In Science class I got the smart idea to find out what would happen if I threw stuff at my teacher. I wanted to test his abbility to have a sence of humar. So I crumpled up a couple of balls of paper and chucked them at him while he was writing notes. My actions caused the biggest paper fight ever and it lead to people throwing pop bottles. *sigh* it was the most excitement of the day.
In gym class Chelsea and I played Josh T. and JayJay K. in badminton. Josh gets this great idea that it is going to be strip badminton. When he figured out that he was the only one taking clothes off he decided that we were going to play for numbers. It was halarious. We beat them so bad!!! Me and Josh ended up giving up. He claims we took his self esteam down 8 points by beating him. I was just bored.
English class was just boring as usual. We made a train of people and made sounds. (don't ask it was so gay!!!!!)
So the day was done I thought that it was the best start to March Break. That was until Corey the biggest asshole in the world started to open his mouth. He called me a whore and told me how he and his friends had been throwing pennies at my old friend Brandy all day calling her a penny whore. Then he called me ugly and said anyone who stuck up for me was gay and stupid. I had one or two people who actually stood there and said something for me. We got on the bus and he starts talking about me to some people who don't like me either. He doesn't even know how to talk low. He just screamed it to the entire bus!!! Everyone who was already on the bus was getting super pissed at him.
Some people are so rude it bugs me! If your standing in the halls and drop a little bit of change one of two things will happen. If you are a guy, someone will pick it up and hand it back and say "here you go you almost lost this." Now if a girl drops it a girl woud pick it up and do the same as a guy would for a guy, but if a guy picks it up they make some comment about it being your pay from the night before and call you a slut or a whore. Why would anyone want to degrade someone so much?! It's not true and we all know it isn't so why do they do it? Another thing that people do that bugs me is talk about other people. I see it more with girls then ever before. I see girls sit there in my class and put down other girls. They find every little flaw in another girl to pull at and see them unravel and become a heap of nothing. They will find it in the way the walk, act, look or speak. We all have the right to be beautiful. We all have the right to love ourselves. Some girls find it hard enough already without someone sitting there and talking about how something about them isn't good enough. What isn't good enough for one person may be the absolute best thing for someone else. I am not perfect. I get picked on from time to time sure. Some people think the worst of me but it shouldn't matter. They shouldn't have to say stuff because I don't have to be their friends, their girlfriend or their family. I have my friends who like me for me, I have my boyfriend who loves the way I am and I have my family who is willing to accept me. It is the same for everyone else. Some people may look down on others but those people might feel like they're on top of the world and may look down on you but not for the same reasons. Maybe they look down on you because you try to put the world bellow you. Maybe because you are the reason this world is so unfair. Maybe because you are the reason their friend or themself is depressed. I have noticed this so much and no one says anything about it. I wish my voice wasn't so little. I wish I could scream to the world what some of the everyday problems we are causing are. Life is so unfair as it is. People already have it taken away from them in war countries. Why do people think it's not ok there but it's ok for them to take other peoples lives in their hands and crush it by crushing every ounce of self respect they have?

When you say you love me

2005-03-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly I'm falling,
lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words, my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me,
For a moment, there's no one else alive.

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly,
For a moment in time,
Somewhere between
The Heavens and Earth.
I'm frozen in time
Oh, when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment there's no one else alive.

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I
Celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

-Josh Groban

I heard this song and it made me think of Chris right away :) I had to post it. It's funny because when he tells me he loves me my world just stops. It stands still and I feel like I'm not even here. I feel like it is just me and him and nothing else matters. I have never felt the way I do with him. Words cannot even explain. He gives me the most amazing feelings and you would not even know.

the story with no book

2005-03-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's snowing and raining. Is the world outside a reflection of how a mess my life is inside?

I feel like crying right now. Things seem to be all blah. There isn't even a word for it. It's all just BLAH. My sister is annoying me to death right now. My fist keeps clenching and I feel like freaking out but I can't.
I want to scream and cry.

Has your mom ever just embaressed you so much that you want to run away and hide?
Has your dad ever just made fun of you so much that you want to lose yourself under your covers and become unknown to everyone in the world?
Has your sister or brother ever hurt you so bad physically you wish you could become invisable and disappear from reality. You want to become untouchable?

I always wanted to be a super hero. They have super powers and seem to never be able to be touched. No one can get them and they are above everyone else. Everyone likes them because they can help others not because they have their own tv show or they are amazingly beautiful.

I may not have the qualities of a movie star, I may not be beautiful and I may not be a super star but I try. Why is that never enough for anyone. Why can't I be looked up to for once and have someone wish they were me. My life is far from perfect but I have the small things that matter more then anything else.

For me I look up to her. She isn't rich and doesn't have the looks of a super modle. She doesn't have much to offer anyone but she has what she needs. She isn't rich in money but rich in love. She doesn't need anyone to help her rise above the rest. Her smile and warm heart makes her stick out.

I think it is more important to be happy with yourself then to have to rely on money and the things money can only buy to make you feel good.

I may struggle to keep happy but he is all I need. It isn't easy for me but with him it is. It is easy to see he is the one that makes me who I am. He makes my heart stronger and makes my smile bigger then ever.

I don't know what my life would be without him right now and I don't know how easy it would be if he wasn't around but I don't want to find out. He is my super star. He is my everyday amazing. It may not seem like a lot to be happy with someone who was there right infront of my face all along but he is the happy that was never there before. The hole is gone when he's around.

The story is told in the stars.

I love ya dork xoxox

-Lindsey

Keith Urban

2005-03-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

You're my better half

Car door slams, it's been a long day at work
I'm out on the freeway and I'm wondering if it's all worth
The price that I pay, sometimes it doesn't seem fair
I pull into the drive and you're standing there.

And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close
And you hold me tight.

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half.

They say behind every man is a good woman
But I think that's a lie
'Cause when it comes to you I'd rather have you by my side
You don't know how much I count on you to help me
When I've given everything I got and I just feel like giving in.
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
Yeah, you pull me close
And you hold me tight.

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half.

Well, you take my hand
Yeah, you pull me close and I understand.
It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything.

Oh baby, it's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything.
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half.

Oh, oh baby, you're my better half.

Ooh, hey baby, you're my better half...

I love this song and it's so true! :)

Pick me up?

2005-02-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

Well today was my first day back to school. It was so boring and pointless! Getting up wasn't a problem. I fell asleep at 8:30 last night so I was up at 6:30. My alarm clock hadn't gone off or anything. I woke up and was in a good mood that I wasn't forced out of bed by some annoying buzzer. I lied there in my bed looking out my window. I was all cuddled up in blankets, warm as could be. I watched the sun come up and sat there in quiet just thinking until 7:15. I got up and went to talk to Chris.
I went to school and found out I wasn't that far behind in my school work. The morning went by quick and was not a big problem.
At lunch Britt, Ben, Jen and I all went to Spago's. PIZZA YUMMMY lol.
I came home and got my pants back and got the Notebook.

I just dropped advanced math. It was too much for me.
I'm in an off mood right now and I want to talk to Christopher. It seems like the only pick me up. I'm outty till 7:45

Boring random

2005-02-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

So here I am, sitting at home for the third day at home. Though school is a drag and I always just want to get home I would rather be there. I miss all my friends. I am almost all better. I am tired and my throat hurts from coughing but other then that I'm fine.
Tomorrow Christopher is going to poley. He wanted me to come but it would cost me close to 50 dollars. He thinks it's too much. My mom would have let me go and give me the money but she doesn't want me to where I have been so sick. She promised me that she was going to get me up there before the end of winter.
I haven't seen Christopher in 3 days and I won't see him tomorrow. Sunday I will get to hang out with him though. I miss him!
Tomorrow I want to go out and buy some fish. I love the pet store. I want to play with the puppies. I wish I could have one but my mom refuses to let me have one in the house. It's not fair becuase she got to have one when she was my age.
I am tired so I am going to try to go to bed. I'll update later

Love ya dork xoxo
-Lindsey Michelle

Why?

2005-02-23T16:29:00.000-08:00

This is so funny! Allie I don't see what you think you are accomplishing by still writing I am a slut or a whore on other people's blogs. What do you really think it is doing? I am not listening anymore. I never took it to heart in the first place. I would listen but I don't believe it. You think it will change something? I am sorry but it won't in the end it doesn't hurt my feelings, it doesn't change my feelings for Christopher and it won't break us apart. All you're really doing is making yourself look like a rude idiot. I am sorry you hate me so much but posting comments will do nothing? If you hate me so much why do you revolve around my life and relationship? Why am I such a big part of your life?

call the fire department, I'm on fire!

2005-02-23T04:42:00.000-08:00

I only get really sick once in a blue moon. I was only sick once to the point I couldn't go to school in like the past 2 or 3 years.
All yesterday I wouldn't admit to being sick. I just didn't want to be. I thought it was lack of sleep.
I was running a rather high fever all last night while Chris was here. I felt like heat was coming out of my eyes.
As soon as Chris left I couldn't stand up. I was dizzy and light headed. I flopped down on the couch and went to sleep. I was rudly awaken by my little sister when my family got home. She took my water gun and soaked me with it. I thought I was going to cry when I suddenly jumped up. I was so sore and my head pounded. I fell back asleep until 10:30.
I made my way upstairs when my mom put me to bed. I kept waking up and couldn't sleep very well. My temperature kept rising through out the night. I woke up and I felt like I was on fire I was so hot. I had to take off most of my clothes and sleep with one blanket. My skin was so hot I made myself sweat. I wanted to jump in a cold bath. I wanted to freeze my skin.
I still feel horrible. I have the chills even though I'm so hot like last night.

Christopher, I really hope you don't get sick. Love ya xoxo

Lindsays House

2005-02-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

Hi,

Im at Lindsays house .. yup thats true and she wants me to tell you guys and girls that i have an other gf ...... (she is cool) anyways i dont know why im posting this but anyways PEACE haha
Christopher-

Oh hun that's so brutal I can't believe you'd put that. Anyway I had a great night. Sorry I was sick. (he doesn't really have another girlfriend he was refering to his best friend.) Love ya hun. I am going sleepies soon.
xoxox
Lindsay-

Break your back - hard work

2005-02-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

"Sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano..."

How much does that feel like me right now?! A whole lot.
I am sitting here at the computer and I feel so out of it. I feel like I'm not really myself.

Today wasn't a very good day. It started off great. As usual I woke myself up at 7:15 and it took 5 minutes to brush my teeth and make my way downstairs. I sat myself infront of the computer and waited for Christopher to come online. It's the highlight to my morning and it's my reason for actually getting out of bed.
I got dressed and made my way to the bus stop just in time to catch it. It was so cold out. My ears hurt, my nose was red and I could feel my hands and feet go blue.
French class was ok enough. Another day of copying notes and reviewing things we had seen the previous day. It flew by and was out quickly. Tomorrow I have a test and some more notes to copy.
Math I spent in the library listening to Bed of Roses. I was supposed to be working on a science fair project. I didn't get too far concidering everytime I heard the song it just made me think of Christopher and remember these past few weeks. I was stuck in a day dream.
At lunch I went out with Becky to get pizza. Brittany and Jen didn't come because Britt said she didn't have any money and it was too cold. Becky and I ate pizza and then I went and picked up some things once again thinking of Christopher. I got a little water gun, which Chris had bought Saturday and squirt me with all Saturday. I also got jolly rancher suckers and pop eye candy smokes for him. OH! And fake tattoo's!
In the afternoon I hurt my back again by twisting the wrong way and pulled something in my leg. So now I can't bend down or walk very well.
It was a cold walk back to the bus stop too.

Now I am ungrounded from the computer. SCORE!!!

I am so tired and I want to sleep but I can't. I already have a hard time sleeping the whole night and that would just make it worse.

Tomorrow is just going to be another boring day of writing notes but I am really looking forward to Christopher coming over. (If he still does/ Is aloud (I miss him))

Anyway that's my update for now.

Love Lindsay
XoxO - Dork

Don't let the bed bugs bite

2005-02-20T06:28:00.000-08:00

...I wish I could go back in time to yesterday. Not because I want to change something and not because I did something wrong. I want to go back in time to relive it all over again!...

Yesterday was awesome! I woke up and got dressed. It took longer then usual because I wanted to look just right.
Chris and his parents came to get me at 1:30ish and we had to make a few stops before we went home. We went to Brunswick Square and got to go off on our own for a half hour. We went to the dollar store which had to of been the best store ever!! we tried on hats and masks, played with toy guns and jewlery. (Police hat: You've been shot by the love bullet!) We had so much fun just acting dumb. We left the store with one water gun, 3 packs of pop eye candy smokes and 1 jolly rancher sucker!
When we got to the house I got the grand tour. His house was so cute from the outside and amazing on the inside. It was so cozzy and homey. I loved it. The house is on the river front and had an amazing view right back to my house. Something seemed almost magic about it.
We curled up on the couch and watched tv. We had a water fight, actually Chris had fun spraying me with his new little water gun.
We had an amazing dinner and had some good laughs.
Taking his little dog, Ally, for a walk was an adventure all on its own. Hand in hand with Chris and hand in leash with dog, we went around his neighbourhood. It seems so peaceful up by his house. The only things moving semi fast were kids flying down the hill on their sleds. It seemed almost picture perfect.
The night had some down points for Chris where he was annoyed but over all I think we could both say it was amazing. It didn't have to be like some super thing where we went and did something we have never done before that seems extravagent. It was the every day things put all together and spending time with eachother that made it what it was.
I didn't leave until 12 am and even though we were both so tired and could barely keep our eyes open there was a part of me that just didn't want to leave his side. Not yet anyway.
In my mind this is so the real deal, Chris and I. I love the thought and I never want it to change. Even still I get butterflies in my tummy thinking about him and a smile across my face when his name is mentioned.
There are not too many things that I look forward to but this is sertainly the one I look forward to the most.

*I look for you in the stars every night*

Should I get my nose pierced again?

Day to Day

2005-02-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

I opened my eyes and the fog scross them was just as thick as the fog outside. It was humid and musty. I left several minutes early to make my way to the bus stop hoping to see Chris in the window as he drove by me. Unfortunatly he wasn't there today.

The day wasn't long but it wasn't short either. I had to take a test for my new math class and I did ok. I almost finished it all but I get to continue it tomorrow.

I was one of the only people to not get detention for a test that almost everyone failed. I managed to pass it by quite a bit.

At lunch I was so hungry. I managed to get in line quite quickly and get a cookie and chocolate milk. The cookie was burnt! The one thing that really sparked my interest in school was BURNT!!!! It gives me a lot of faith in school now.

Mike was in suspenders and a white lad coat with big sunglasses on. Quite a get up if you ask me. He said he was doctor love. He ran up to Brittany and Ben screaming do the love. He stopped and talked to me for a while and made me laugh so damn hard I thought the milk was going to come out my nose.

Gym was gym. My arms hurt and I was too tired to do anything.

I went to english and the test I was not ready for I managed to get an A on! I was so happy. We had to write about our relationships and of course my teacher made me talk about the difficulties of mine. Nothing came to my head. I am so happy with Christopher. Yes we might have some bumps to smooth out but every relationship does. I know I miss him on the days I don't see him but every couple does the same. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

As I talked to Nancy about it I couldn't help but think of how truely happy I am with Chris. He is the highlight of my day and he puts a smile on my face with one word, look or touch. He is amazing and nothing will ever change the way I feel about him, not even a couple of days without eachother. Nothing not even a sucky feeling at times will ever replace the feelings I have for him. He is my best friend and my boyfriend. He means so much.

Kisses Dork xoxo

-L

I like the way that feels?

2005-02-15T14:45:00.001-08:00

I breathe in deep and breathe out slow and long. My chest is heavy and so are my eyes. I am tired and have been all day.

I woke up a couple of times through the night last night. I was having some weird and some great dreams. I was confused by them though.
When I woke up the sky was dark and I could tell today was a day I was not going to like.
As I walked to the bus stop a french bus drove by and I swear to god I thought I saw Chris in the window toward the back. It was raining and my hair was blowing infront of my face so I was not sure if it was him or not.
It rained all morning right until I got to school. My hair was a mess. With no makeup on and my books slung under one arm I made my way to the first class of the day. After about 3 minutes of being there I was called to a different class for a meeting on advanced math. While in there I was called to get needles.
After I got out of the meeting I made my way to get my papers. I was so upset about getting them. I have a very big fear of them. "It's like getting scratched" someone told me. I wanted to scream. If I had the choice to get a cut do you actually think I'd accept with a smile and be like WOW look I can bleed?! Hell no!
So I got up and they hurt really bad. I was really woosey. I passed out a couple of times and I cried. I was rahter disorriented the whole day. My arms still hurt.
After that I went to my first class of advanced math. I still don't like very many people in my class but I can fix that lol. We only have about 8 kids.
Lunch I waited in like for the entire hour and had 5 minutes to eat!!! holy moly it sucked!
I had a test after lunch and I wasn't all that ready for it but I think I did ok.
I came home and just kinda waited to talk to Chris... Until 7:30 lol. But it was the best part to my day. He always makes me smile. He was going to come over tomorrow but he has a test to study for so he wasn't able to come.
Volley Ball tryouts are after school tomorrow and I am not sure if I can go yet or even if I want to. I love to play volley ball and all but school work has become an issue and I don't know how well I can handle doing the work, keeping up my grades and spending a lot of time playing. Plus I have Chris and I would like to have time to be able to see him. Personally I think that is reason enough to not play but my mom and Brittany are counting on me to try out at least. Personally I would rather not.
Friday is the SJHS dance. I can't wait. Chris and I are going together and Britt doesn't have volley ball that night! She gets to take it off! PARTY! Nancy is coming as well... DOUBLE PARTY! lol
Saturday I am going to Chris' for the day! We want to have a snow ball fight and go sleding. He isn't even sure if they have sleds. I suggested a garbage bag but who is to say we will even still have snow. It seems to be disappearing.
Anyway It's going on 11 and I am really tired. I am heading out to bed. To everyone who is doing the same, Sweet dreams!
"Don't let the bed bugs bite."

Kisses Dork xoxo

-Snow angel

V-Day not D-Day forget about the war. Look for the love

2005-02-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the day I am pretty much at a loss for words. Everything is all in my heart.

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning. "OMG! It's valentines day! Our first one together!" I was so excited I could not even sleep the rest of the morning. The stars were still out and as I looked out over the water I could see the two ones I have looked at every night since the night we met. After about an hour I slipped into a comfortable sleep for an hour before I was woken by the horrible buzzer on my clock.
The rest of my morning went as usual when it came to getting ready. Take a shower, blowdry my hair, get dressed, do my makeup and hope online at 8 for a half hour before I was off to catch the bus yet again.
So I was greated with a nice "Hey bitch :>" Bye Kyle. I replied with a smirk "Hi thursty bumm". So after a while of being filled in on Katelyn's valentines day with Mike they had the day before we came to a stop and waited for people to get on the bus. Out of no where a big scream came. A man had been hitting, yelling and screaming at some girl. No one knew who she was but appearently she was drunk. I thought to myself about how much trouble she must have in her life to be in that situation and drunk at 8:30 in the morning. Someone called the police and we drove away.
So when I got to school there was Brittany and Becky and in Brittany's hand was a red rose somewhat like the one I had gotten... only more "floppy" lol. She managed to get another carnation from Ben as well. When I got back from lunch, there in Brittany's hand was a box. I knew exactly what was in it because I had known for a rather long time and was not aloud to say to a single soul what he was giving her, however it was the first time I had seen it.
I was getting really excited for after school though. I was very antsy and refused to sit still.
After school I rushed home and walked to meet Christopher. There in his hand was a box and I knew exactly what was in it. He tried to make me a cookie. It was a very large heart shaped cookie and he put a big "L" on it. Be it for Love of for Lindsay I had no idea but it was adorable. We sat around and watched tv for a while and then was called up for supper. He met my brother and he already knew my two sisters and mother. When we went back downstairs we just cuddled and talked and it had to be one of the most amazing times ever!!! Of course I'm not going to type everything we did or talked about because that's between me and Chris. I can assure you it was both adorable and reassuring about our relationship!
He left at 8 and we said goodnight. I am already anticipating seeing him Friday for the dance.
My dad had found out about Chris being at my house tonight and so of course he could not pass up the chance to bug me about my boyfriend being there. He made a nice little call to the house and showed just how much of a loving and caring father he is. 8-)

over all today was an awesome day! I am so happy people are starting to see that no one can control their hearts. People can control their actions though. We all know what the right thing to do is when it comes to liking someone or not. It's just the order of things. We are all humain and should be able to act like it. We all have feelings and we should learn now to start respecting one another. Today of all days on the day of love, we should come to see the love around us and forget about the mean. Thank you to those of you who are starting to see that.

I love you a million oreo or oatmeal cookies xoxo

-L

In the eyes of imperfection

2005-02-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

As I sat here at about 2:30ish thinking about how my day was probably going to crap it all changed after I got about two lines onto my blog. I was wondering where he was. There was no word from him and he was an hour late. His mom said he was out for the afternoon but he had been gone since before 2. It didn't take that long for him to get here usually. Just when I that he must not of been to come the doorbell rang. I instantly regained the feeling of butterflies because I knew it was him.

As he walked in the door Brittany booted it because she thought I was mad. As he turned to face me he held out his hand with a rose in it, a single red rose. And so, that was the perfect beinging to the perfect day...

We didn't do much. We took it easy. We all curled up on the couchs and watched 13 going on 30. Brittany and myself tried to make pizza. It was frozen pizza and we still didn't make it right. We didn't cook it long enough. I was the only one to not eat it, thank goodness. We watched drum line and just as it finished Brittany and Ben took off. So there was Christopher and I. We snuggled up on the couch and had an awesome night together. When some people started to talk trash about me we lyed down on the couch and had a long talk about it. He assured me I was a great person and he was more comfortable with me then anyone else. Just when I thought it was the sweetest thing ever he leaned in and whispered in my ear "Will you go out with me." I swear to goodness my heart had to of stopped for a couple of seconds and when I realized when he said I answered yes right away!

The night came to an end soon after. I met his father and he seemed so nice. With a kiss goodbye Chris was gone again.

Today was amazing. It seemed like time went by too quickly but it didn't go by fast.

*2* days!!

XoXo Dork :)

-L

Baby, Blind love be true

2005-02-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

I went to bed late and I was up early and now I can't stop yawning...
Last night was the Sam de Cham dance and I got to go!

Chris and Bruce came over before the dance. Bruce almost killed my cat! He loves it so much and he just kept making him hurt its self. I got beaten up a couple of times but we had a fun time!

Jen, Bruce, Chris and I all pulled up to the dance and was greeted by a bunch of people I knew and didn't know. Chatale L. was the first to run up and hug me. I managed to find a lot of people I knew!

I saw best friends that I haven't seen in years and others that it was just the other day.

I had an awesome time... for the most part. Some people did their best to make sure I didn't have a good time but I pulled through it.

It was an awesome night spent with Chris and I was so happy.
The first song we ever danced to was Bed of Roses. He tried to sing me ever word but that didn't really work because he didn't know the words. All he managed to get out was I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses and then kept mummbling to himself :) It was adorable.

Now it's 9 o'clock and I'm counting down the minutes until Brittany calls. Today is our fun day with Ben and Chris. Movies, pizza and cranium. We are too cool! She should be here by 12 and the guys are coming at like 2ish I believe. I am so excited and can't get this goofy smile off my face! I love it!

Happy Birthday Jake *big kisses* Miss ya bunches hope you're having fun up in moncton (your first birthday away from us since we met) You'll always be one of my best friends. Hope ya move back sometime. I miss our long talks about nothing. Happy 17th.

Anyway. I am falling asleep at the moment and I am hungry so I say food then sleep. Lates people!

-L

A moment of concern

2005-02-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

"... and we danced anyway."

As the song starts I start to think about my life. I can take that song and change it. It's like a metaphor as to what we should do in life.

Maybe when she says "and we danced anyway" she means even though things may not be looking so good live each day as if you were on top of the world. Maybe she was in a bad situation when she wrote that song and she wanted to be able to love him regardless of the problems.

No matter what I do I can't get my problems off my mind. No matter how much I cry, pleed with my family and friends, pray to god or try things, these problems and people won't get off my mind.

You think a time to like someone would be happy? Mind you every minute I am with him or think about him I am but so many people want to take that away from me. They think we are the bad people for having feelings for eachother. Some are angry because I supposedly stole those feelings but I didn't. They were handed to me and I was myself, nothing more and nothing less, just me. Now these people are trying to do what I supposedly did. They are actually trying to take these feelings away from me.

You can take my friends and you can take my tears, but you will never take my heart and feelings. Those belong to myself and him. Feelings are something within my heart. They are things but only in spirit. That you cannot touch, my spirit lies within myself. When I'm with him I am untouchable and unreachable. His feelings and my own lift me up higher then you would ever know.

You can all sit here and judge me but it doesn't change. Fighting, words and looks don't make you forget. It does not solve anything and bring anyone closer to another person. You can't accomplish anything by it.

Just a thought...

-L

The eye of the storm?

2005-02-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

There is a point in every persons life when they stop and wonder.

"What am I doing with my life? Where is it going? Am I moving forward, backward or am I just standing still?" All the unanswered questions to life's mystery stand right infront of your face and stick out at you like crazy.

My life isn't standing still it is most definetly moving forward and in most cases in the best ways imaginable, but there are unanswered questions that I am still searching for maybe now more then ever.

Will there ever be a time in my life when I can really stand there and look at my life from an outside persective and know all the answers?

I sit here typing away and even still it doesn't feel like I'm saying quite what I mean. I could give a million examples but it would involve putting people's lives into this and I don't want to.
If someone gave me something to move forward with but others take it away am I standing still? If I am presented with an opportunity to start at a higher education but they want alot of money for it am I being held back? What am I going to do with my life and where am I going to go?

The only thing that I can really say my life is moving forward with is with friends. It is becoming clear to me now and somethings I am happy with and some not so much. In the end I know it is all worth is and I have told him that too.

When the rain comes it will pour but when it's gone everything seems so much more perfect.

Kisses Dork :) xoxo (isj)

-L

Summer lovin's gunna have me a blast!

2005-02-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

*sigh* The wonderful day I had been waiting for so long is now coming to a close. The day seemed to fly by fast. The classes were horrible and broing. When you want something to happen time usually slips by slow "tick, tick, tick", but it wasn't the case today. I wanted after school to come and it did surprisingly quick.
I told him I would walk and meet him along the way. I got 5 minutes down the road before I realized he was standing right infront of me.
We went to my house and I made him a grilled cheese. Yummy...
We crawled up on the couch and SNUGGLED! :) It was so cute. We watched "Shall we dance". When he held me it felt so prefect like I was on top of the world. His lips were soft and gentle and I smiled when they touched mine. It was amazing.
When his grandmother called to say she was on her way we went upstairs. I went to turn on the front porch light I turned around and he was standing right infront of me. I bearly made it up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him. I rested my head on his chest and as we stood there he said something that made me think of forever. Forever is a really long time and for the first time I could imagine what it was like and I loved the feeling.

I was sad to see him leave but I knew he would be back. This was only the beginning and far from the end. He needs to outlast my longest boyfriend of two years (the pocket dragon hehe) and he said he is going to do it! I have my fingers crossed that it will. He is an amazing guy!

Valentines day is coming up and we might have to spend it apart from eachother. :(
This Friday we are going to his school dance, yee haa to the Sam de Cham ones lol
Saturday we were told we have to hang out with my best friend and her boyfriend (who is also one of my really good friends)

He seems so perfect and I am really happy with him! He promised from day one to never make me cry :)! It's a first! I am so pumped!

I love hisfamily! His grandmother is an adorable french woman and his mom is so nice! His dad seems it too!! He was also happy to hear that. I think it's important that you can stand being around your "others" parents and family.

I had an amazing night with you hun! Thanks for everything! I can't wait to go skating at night and I am pumped for the summer! XoxO -Dork

Today I got my Science mark back today, I got 91% paachaa! Oh I was pumped!

-L

Snow Angel in summer thoughts

2005-02-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

A sudden panic swept over me as I heard someone call out, "The ambulance is here!"

Two minutes earlier I had been up by the warm box having a great time with all my friends. We were watching the game and catching up on old times. I turned to her and told her something. We took our eyes off him for litterally 2 seconds. When I turned back I saw him being carried off the ice. My first thought was it must have been a bad hit, but it was more then that. We all ran over to sit behind his teams bench and wait for him to get out of the changing room. That's when the sudden panic swept over me.
I ran around frantically trying to get things in order. I made a phone call to his house to let his family know. His mom told me earlier that she was going to be leaving the game before it was finished and since there was no sight of her I had figured she was gone. I called his brother and let him know what was happening. In the mean time she had run off with some friends to try and find the ambluance.
When I finally found her again her eyes were unmistakenably red and full of tears. I had never seen her so white. There was nothing but fear written across her face. So we spent the next 10 minutes trying to find out what was happening but no one would tell us anything. Earlier a little boy a few years younger then us came running up and asked if I was his girlfriend. I said no but I couldn't find her either. He had a message from his mom for her so he just gave it to me instead. "He had pains up one side and they don't know what's wrong. They are taking him to the hospital and checking it out there. She will call you once she knows anything!" I told her and it didn't seem to help. He is so strong with everything he never gets this hurt. He always could handle anything but not this time. She knew how bad it must have been.
The parents were nothing short of assholes. We were worried we knew what he was like and how much he can handle. They didn't. Instead of trying to help or anything they sat there and laughed and smile had a good time making fun of us for being the only ones who cared. There were some parents who did want to know what happened and others reassuring us all he was fine but then there were the plain ignerant ones!
So we called for our drive to come get us early and we all went home and waited for the call.
His sister and brother were on the phone trying to get ahold of their dad who had no idea, their mom who was at the hospital as well and trying to get ahold of the hospital who WOULDN'T ANSWER THEIR PHONE! The hospital wouldn't tell them anything, get their mom, or bring her the phone at first. After about the second or third call they finally brought her the phone. He personally made the call to his girlfriend.
I am not totally sure even now what happened but we are on our way over to see him in 30 minutes. We will get the story and know everything is fine. He got home late last night but still was having reoccuring pains.
He was definetly in my prayers last night.

(No names will be mentioned because the people involved might not want thier names said)

On a different note my mom went to the movie with her friend. They had an awesome time and they said the movie was great! I was happy she at least got to do something for her birthday.

I got to talk to Chris!:) He is coming over tomorrow. He's walking to my house from SDC! He is so crazy! I'm going to walk and meet him along the way. We are going to eat grilled cheese and watch movies and it will be great! I'm so excited!
He makes me so happy we already have plans for this summer! I know it's far away and we should focuse on right now but we don't care. I'll have to make it through the winter first.
He's my 21 questions. QUESTION GAME! Hehe :) *Christopher*<-- xox

Family of hero's

2005-02-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here as Nancy takes a shower and for the moment everything seems fine!

Last night was such a relief. I was talking to him and we had the most intense conversation. My questions were the craziest and his answers were real. He explained to me that our conversation was misunderstood. I took what he said the wrong way. He ment to tell me he wished he had waited. He told me I was great. He brought the biggest smile to my face and at the same time it made me sad and scared. I was geting even more attatched with no knowledge of what might happen.

"What is the most important thing that you want to tell me and think I should know" I asked him.

There was a look of concern and deep thought that came across his face. He thought that I was going to think he was an asshole which was not even the case. He explained to me that what happened before really turned him off from me. I could totally understand but what was said next I could not even believe. He told me that he liked me and was going out with her.

So later that night of course we fixed things. We are giving it a second chance. I am so happy. I feel awesome. I did however feel guilty at first because if there was no me he might still be with her, happy, nothing wrong between the two of them, but because I'm here they're done. He reasured me it wasn't my fault but I think it was.

I went to Nancy's hockey game and they played amazingly well! I was so proud. It was one one but they all worked as a team :).

Brittany, Jen and I are going to Ben's hockey game tonight. Yippy! I always love them!

Today is my mom's birthday. Last night we were all supposed to go over to my grandmothers for supper to celebrate it. My grandmother ended up cancling it because my mom was sick and didn't want my grampy to get sick. Where he has cancer and he is already sick getting the flu could be terrible for him. So today my little sister had basketball. She called up my dad and asked him if he could drive her but he said no. He sat at home instead. My mom had to get up and take her there, went out and got me stuff for school and then drove me to harbour station (mind you I didn't ask she offered I was ready to walk there). Tonight she is going to the movies maybe. I asked her who she was going with and she said no one just herself. I felt so bad. It's her birthday and she spent it being a mom and alone instead of being treated like a queen. I wouldn't of agreed to go out today had I known this was what it would be like for her. My older sister was going to take her out to breakfast but where my mom took my little sister to basketball that was not the case. She is sure my sister also forgot. I know I always got the special treatment on my birthday. Why couldn't she have the same. My mom is not any ordinary mom, she is a superwoman!

Hard on the vodka hold the rocks

2005-02-02T16:19:00.000-08:00

This is as cold as his words. They left me icey on the inside as the water is leaving me cold on the outside...

"If you could change one thing about your life or what you did, what would it be?"
I was shaking with every hope in my body hoping he would say I wish things were different I wish I were with you now. I knew that's not what I would hear but it was what I needed to hear more then anything. At the same moment I stopped shaking because it was a constant vibration to the point you couldn't see me moving, I stopped. Just as suddenly as the feeling had come over me it was gone again. I could feel myself fall to pieces as the words spilled out of his mouth sheepishly but in a way he wanted it out in the open quickly. "I wish I hadn't waited for you before." And with that he tried to end the conversation with a "whatever it's done though. She's so cool anyway." I felt everything just go cold. A chill settled over me and my thoughts were heavy. I couldn't speak my hands were still I couldn't move. My facial expression was blank. There was no color in my face. It was as though in that moment I was non-exsistant. He asked me to ask him another question and I wanted to know... "If it had of been me and you together, she came into your life and you started to have feelings for her, what would you of done?" It took him a while to think about it but the answer was simple "I just wouldn't of talked to her." Did that mean that he would rather be with me then her but he feels the right thing to do would be to stick out any feelings he has for me? Why is he having such a hard time excepting the fact that I made the big mistake? Why are we so stuck on the subject of what could of been? I don't know what I am supposed to do. He says he's moved on and that he is happy with her but I can't shut off feelings for him. I knew I made a mistake by turning away in the first place but does he feel he's making a mistake now?

So with every ounce of energy I had to just move, to show some kind of life left in me, I walked upstairs and got in the shower. I thought it was all I needed. I just needed to relax. So I turned on the shower and got in and automatically fell to the floor. I cried and cried. As the tears came and burned my eyes, the water turned cold. I shivered and shaked just as I had when I first asked the questions. I sat there until my entire body went blue. So I sat there thinking "This is as cold as his words. They left me icey on the inside as the water is leaving me cold on the outside..." I got up and walked away, but how do I walk away from him a second time, wheither he wants me to or not?

-L

I go back

2005-02-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

Well today was our first day back to classes. It was so confusing. We had to visit all our old classes for 15 minutes and then start our new schedule. I ended up in my homeroom 3 times!

I got my new marks back for report cards:
English - 76% on exams 86% over all
Math - 90% on exams 91% over all
Art - no exam - 95% over all
Social Studies - 70% on exams 78% over all
Science - N/A (my teacher is out for the rest of the week)

I guess I shouldn't complain about what I got but I think I could of done better. I was told I should go into IB art which I was planning on but it's nice to know I have someone supporting it.

Tomorrow is my first day of gym class in as long as I can remember. I am so pumped! I have missed it and missed being able to run around and play volley ball. Tomorrow we have to go to the pool and I guess I can wait one more day for volley ball.

I was in such a good mood today! I don't even know why, but someone should slap me for having feelings for "him". I just feel so safe when he holds me and I know it sounds crazy and stupid to some people but thats one thing I love. I love the feeling of just knowing everything is ok, knowing he's there for me and knowing I can keep him smiling.

Am I just crazy or is this more then just another feeling? Will it last if something happens? Am I just supposed to sit around and wait for him and see where things will go or am I supposed to just move on?

I miss that feeling

2005-02-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

*Slap* The feeling is coming back to my face!!!
Earlier tonight I had to pay a visit to the dreaded dentist. The dentist is like my modern day boogie man. I had to get two fillings. I got there and made all these jokes and they loved me. I thought everything would be fine when they said I didn't need freezing for the top of my mouth. They failed to mention that I needed it for my bottom. So as I sat there feeling fine thinking I'd be in and out within 20 minutes, they pulled out the needle! I got really sqwermish and they could tell I was scared. I closed my eyes and as they told me it would be over in a minute I thought they had put in the needle already. I opened my eyes pleasently surprised just as they jabbed it into my mouth. I can still smell the burning tooth as they drilled it off.
Now the feeling has finally returned to my face. I can eat now!

Earlier today Nancy and I went skating. It was a lot of fun. It was nice to skate around. The feel of the ice under my feet. Spinning round and round. It was an outdoor rink which made it so much more fun. The people would stop and watch us. I haven't felt something this right that feels so good in a long time. It was nice to be outside doing something I love. It seemed almost like it was out of a movie. You see the girls skating around laughing and having a good time and the boys playing ice hockey. It was something like that.

2005-01-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

Well things are really starting to clear up about where my heart is and who it is with.
It was too complicated trying to figure it out so I just really listened to the way they all talked to me, the way they all treated me, and the way they all shared how they felt.

I have listened to the way he talks to me. I don't know what to make of it all. He says this and he says that and I don't know if it is all an act. He is the only one that I have serious feelings for and I don't know what he is feeling totally.

Stop and listen to what I'm saying?

God's will?

2005-01-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

I met God's Will on a Halloween night.
He was dressed as a bag of leaves.
It hid the braces on his legs at first
His smile was as bright as the August sun
When he looked at me
As he struggled down the driveway
It almost made me hurt
Will don't walk too good
Will don't talk too good
He won't do the things that the other kids do
In our neighborhood

I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I new God's Will
Will's mom had to work two jobs
We'd watch him when she had to work late
And we'd all laugh like I hadn't laughed
Since I don't know when
"Hey Jude" was his favorite song
At dinner, he'd ask to pray
And then he'd pray for everybody in the world, but him

I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin'
Lost and lookin' all my life
I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated
I've wrestled wrong and right
He was a boy without a father
And his mother's miracle
I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin'
I guess I would be still
Yeah, that was until
I knew God's Will

Before they moved to California
His mother said, "They didn't think he'd live"
And she said, "Each day that I have him, well, it's just another gift"
And I never got to tell her, that the boy showed me the truth
In crayon red, on notebook paper
He'd written, "Me and God love you"

I've been searchin', prayin', wounded, jaded
I guess I would be still
Yeah that was until...
I met God's Will on a Halloween night
He was dressed as a bag of leaves

-Martina McBride

I love this song because it means so much more. Someone finds a little miracle in someone else. When we see someone who has such a strong heart and can keep their chin up and we look at them and don't know how, how you would ever go on if you were them then we see the truth. We all have so much to live for, to care and be thankful for. A lot of us are in amazing health compaired to others.

These past couple of years I have found my miracle in my Grandfather. He has been fighting cancer for a good 10 years. He has been so strong during it all. He is the one to pray for everyone but himself. If I am ever in trouble he is the first one there. He is an amazing person. He puts on a brave face when he goes to the doctors. He trys to hide the pain in his body by standing strong. I can really see now that it is getting bad and is worse then ever and I'm scared of losing him. He's my piece of heaven on earth and he is getting that much closer to god and a little further away from me.

~In dedication to Fred, my one and only grampy

Will the rain end and the sun come out?

2005-01-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

As the screaming starts she has to wonder...

Why we were even put on this earth. We are all being punished because Eve picked an apple when she shouldn't have. This caused the first two people put on this earth to rebel against eachother.
We have kept doing so since.
If god was truly angry and wanted to punish us all why wouldn't he just take us off this planet!?
We sit here and bicker and fight.

The screaming keeps going. My sisters faces are almost blue they are so red. Their voices are cracking and you can tell they have been screaming so much they are going to lose them totally.

I have run to a corn and hide at times. Sometimes it's almost unreal. Like I'm in some nightmare.

Sometimes I cry, I get scared and hide. I hide under my covers and pretend it's all not real.

What am I supposed to do when the house goes silent to the point it's like I can't hear anymore?
What am I supposed to do when it's all because of my friends, when I don't have my covers to hide under, when I don't have a corner to run to?
What am I supposed to do when the time comes when I can't run to you?

When will there be another 40 days and 40 nights?

Is there ever such thing as peace in the world? Will there ever be peace between me and my friends?

I can learn to stick up but sometimes it means I stand out. If you are standing up for someone why don't you stand out as someone nice? If not one rude word, not one sentence, not one rude action was made, why is it that I get called a bitch?

I have one thing to say... I'm sick of you. I'm sick of your words, I'm sick of the way you can make me cry, I'm sick of the feeling I get in my tummy when I look at you.

The screaming comes to an end.

A dream come true?

2005-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

"Ewww not her, look at her! She has a ugly big sweater and look at those boots!" said one girl. "No! That's Lindsay, Jen and Becky. Don't say that! They're awesome."...

The minute I heard what the first girl said I walked over to her. There was a look in my eye that she knew right away. One that told her she would regret what she had just said. "I may have a big sweater but you have a big everything! And see these boots? Another word out of ya and they will premenently be planted in your ass!" As I gave her the stare down along with Jen and Becky. She gets up and runs off...

Or at least that's what I imagined I had done when she said that. I just ignored it to my best ablitiy and walked upstairs. When I came back down she was still sitting there with her friends, whom I love, and I did give her the dirtiest look ever as we all walked past.

At lunch we had two hours because of exams. Becky, Jen and I went uptown and had the best time. Brittany was off with Ben having their romantic lovers lunch at pizza hut and so we met up with them in the food court. Sitting there with her faced shoved with pizza sat Brittany with a big grin on her face, so proud. Becky and I ventured into the dollar store to try on plastic firemen hats, maskeraid masks and anything else we could find. "Hey Becky look if you put this on you would look exactly like... well... you know lol." Making fun of brittany the whole time we had a blast. We finally made the cheapest buy ever! 1.50$ on necklaces, one a heart with a key hole and the other a key. Now Becky holds the key to my heart!

After exams finished Brittany, Becky, and I all hung out for a while. Running after Becky and picking her up, we tried to throw her in the garbage can. We were unsuccessful but mind you it was halarious!

But I must leave you all now. I have to go call Neil. I'll be back to write more.

Love L

through the eyes of a broken heart

2005-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Love is so complex and it takes forever to get to the root of it.

My friends and I, every girl for that matter, thinks about prince charming. The thought of the prefect guy runs through my head from day to day. We are all waiting to find that perfect guy but he is rare. It isn't easy to find someone that doesn't have a flaw in your mind. Love is to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Just as every other person in the world girls aren't perfect either. I have come to realize that maybe that's all our problem. We are so wrapped up on finding the perfect person we just look right past everything else. Two imperfect people can come together to make one, one perfect whole.
They say two wrongs don't make a right but what if their wrong. What if two people who are wrong seperate come together and make something that seems so right? so perfect?

On my own I am not perfect but if you put me beside someone who I care about and who cares about me we can seem perfect.

So, everyone should just stop looking for mr./miss perfect and start looking for someone who can we can be perfect with.

I want someone who can be my other half, someone who can be my whole. I guess in a way he can still be my prince charming because he can always be my perfect guy. In my eyes he will be.

Say what you mean and mean what you say

2005-01-24T11:53:00.001-08:00

How can people keep their feelings so hidden? Why is it that people say what they mean but don't say the whole truth? It's impossible to play the guessing game with feelings. Either it is totally clear or it's totally unclear.
Why is it so hard to know?
Why does it feel like there is something there at times and not there at others?

I like him and that's all there is to it on my part.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do.

Lust is a Bust

2005-01-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

Well today is a snow day. My first exam was supposed to be this afternoon but it was cancled!
In way I was angry because I wanted to get it over with. I am also missing one of my days off now! Grrr...
But I am also happy I have an extra day to study.

Last night I was so stressed out over them. I drew myself a hot bubble bath and studied! It was the most relaxing study time I have ever had.

Me and Brandon are talking about my life. How I need a hero to come rescue me.

I just need someone to come take me away, to make me forget.
Every girl wants a prince charming, from the time a girl is young up until her dying day that's all she will dream about her prince charming. Some of us are even lucky enough to find one.
Everyone deserves to be loved. There is no age limmit as to when you can stop being loved or love other people. It goes on forever.
No one can tell you when or when not to fall in love. There is no date to which you have to wait before you fall. Love is magic and happens at different times for different people. No one can tell you who to fall in love with or how to feel in your heart.
In everyone's life there is one great love. It is the love to which every other love will be compaired.
Love comes around more then once in a lifetime I think, it's just the matter of finding THE love of a lifetime. Just because maybe your parents get a divorce doesn't mean they didn't love eachother, it just means they weren't the love to last a life time. It also doesn't mean that they aren't aloud to love again.
There are different kinds of love it's just finding the right one.

Right now I just want my temp. Prince charming to fall in lust with. I want something that will last and someone to take me away for my happily ever right now.

No chance no way I won't say it no, no

2005-01-23T10:51:00.000-08:00

Well it's official...
I have fallen for him...
I think and dream about him...
He is in my every thought...

BUT!

I don't think I want this...
I'd rather not have these feelings...
I would rather not sleep...
I would like to have my thoughts and mind on my exams...

I can't like the way I feel because I know he doesn't feel the same way back.

That of a beautiful mind

2005-01-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

Laughing out loud seems to be the theme today! I don't remember such a funny entire day I had!

At 8 o'clock I wake up. The sun was shining, the birds were out and I wanted to block the entire world out of my bedroom at least of another 2 hours. At 9 o'clock I gave up on trying to fall back to sleep. It just wasn't working for me. The next thing I know I hear my door creek open. Who would of guessed? My mom sneeks into my room hoping not to wake me (even though I was awake) with all intentions of making me get up in such a crude mannor! The joke was on her when I shot up like a dart and scared the crap out of her.

So as I finally pull myself out of bed and make my way downstairs to the basement, hop on the computer with all intentions of settling in for at least another hour until Brittany wakes up I get a phone call. To my surprise it was her! Who would of guessed she would of been up on time?! So she boots her butt over here in time to make a phone call to Jen in hopes of getting her up. She had also already been woken up by an annoying little pest I like to call... her little sister!

Brittany, Jen, and I made our way uptown by 10:45 and went to Cora's for breakfast as planned! We got in fine because it was so early and we were the only ones crazy enough to be up at a time like that. We all really looked like crap and were half asleep but we didn't care because no good looking guy in his right mind would be up at that our and out to breakfast with friends.
Brittany was halarious and wouldn't stop spitting everywhere and announcing to the entire resteraunt! Jen was noisey and laughed as loud as possible and I complained the whole time that my french toast was like soup in the middle and was not cooked in the least! The service was slow AND I had some funky tasting chocolate milk... HOW DO YOU SCREW UP CHOCOLATE MILK! They also had no problem in getting us out quickly and were in a rush to deprive me of my money right after depriving me of a good breakfast!

We soon after made our way across the street to the city market where we picked up more food (cooked) and candy to take home for lunch.

Once we were finished we were not quite sure how we were going to get home. After a few phone calls and people pointing us in the right direction we hopped on the right bus and headed to the dollar store! I hurried as quickly as possible to the toy isle! That is where all the fun times of being able to act like a kid are. The foam swords I couldn't get out of my head were still there from the last time I had made the visit. All three of us picked one up and of course began to have one of our stupid moments. Peter pan and the lost boys (in girl form) sword fight! I was quick to come across animal faced masks. These are not your every day masks either! I thought the were actual stuffed animals at first. After little persuasion Brittany and I managed to get Jen to buy one too. Also on the hunt I managed to come across sex dice and love cuffs which of course we got too!
We put on our masks drew our swords and ventured out into the streets!

After a long morning we arrived back at my house and surprised my sister when she got home and we all beat her with the swords while still wearing our masks. She had no clue what hit her.

We watched the Village and made fun of that and ventured to the store around the corner yet again in search of food.

I made a quick visit to my dads to drop off a late Christmas present and pick up some spaghetti sauce and dvd's to keep me pre-occupied while studying (which really isn't supposed to be the point to studying, I am supposed to stay focused!).

Over all today was an awesome day!
Now it's on to studying, for real, for my exams which begin Monday!
I am rather scared about them. Even though I don't even need to take them and I would still pass I am so scared about failing them. These tests have consumed every ounce of energy, strength and hope I have left in me. I am physically and mentally exausted! I just needed today for a breather.

Perhaps this will be an experience to help mold and shape my character. It's a learning process in more ways then one. This is the molding of a beautiful mind.

I pour out my soul like I pour juice: by the mouthful

2005-01-21T19:34:00.000-08:00

My tummy is growling already. Tomorrow bright and early (11 hehe), the three of us are heading to Cora's. Breakfast with my two best friends seems like the only thing to be excited about these days!

Exams start on Monday and we are expecting a snow storm yet again on Sunday night. It might push back my exams by a day which I would hate because I am looking forward to my 6 day vacation. I have been studying so hard my brain hurts. I'm tired and I think knowledge is about to pour out my ears!

I went to my fathers for the first time tonight in the longest time. "A bonding time" he likes to call it. If you call arriving to an already cooked meal, sitting in an uncomfortable silence and eating and afterward me sitting around watching a movie and laughing to myself bonding time you are seriously disterbed. It's always like that and talking usually makes things worse.

Tonight was my grandfather's and uncles birthday party. It was fun seeing everyone. I spent most of my time locked away in the bedroom talking on my cell. No one knew where I was and thank goodness. I really wasn't feeling up to sitting around in a room of 40 year olds and up listening to some conversation I didn't want to be involved in. When I was out with them I would try to say something and it would be childish and totally off topic. I would get this look and everyone would go back to talking. There was a slide show and it was all pictures of when my family seemed relativly normal. When I was too young to see all the faults and the future that they were holding for me. I laughed so hard. Soon after I began to see my sisters, brother, cousin, and I grow up it before my eyes, they pulled out photos of my grandparents. My great grandfather Popsie died before I was born and I had never seen one picture of him in all my life. My great grandmother who passed away not all that long ago was in there as well. It showed her at her happiest moments. The times I never got to see her. She was always a sad widdow the whole time I knew her. In her last years me and her became closer but she was too old to remember the good times we had. She only lived in the moment. I looked at the joy I saw in her face and tears filled my eyes. I was so happy to see her. I reached out and touched the screan in hopes that I would fall into the picture and be with her again.

Now I sit here. Wrapped up in a blanket and in a pair of pj's, these are now some of my happiest times. I settle into the chair infront of the computer and type until my fingers hurt. Until I have no more life left in them. This blog contains my life. If you read between the lines you can see my fears too.

Life is a circle it just keeps going, it's not a square so you can't cut corners. Time will only tell when life runs out, it isn't a battery powered object. So live each second like it's your last and don't let the minutes slip by because from the minute you are born you being to die. So don't live to die, die to live.

ABC 123

2005-01-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

"Take a deep breath and count to 10".

Breathe in the good and let out all the bad and just breathe... ok. got it.

1 ... Friends picking me up, smiles and good times to come.

2 ... Exams frustrating me. Marks don't matter just give it my all.

3 ... I can help people. I love to make them smile. Things happen for a reason.

4 ... Old friends. New fears and tears. Bad times repeating themselves.

5 ... Tomorrow's a new day. There is always hope for tomorrow if not today.

6 ... Screaming coming from all directions.

7 ... I have it better then alot of people. Today is just a bump in the road of life.

8 ... I can't help but wish he was here but hate the way he makes me feel a lot of the time.

9 ... I picture him, his smile, his eyes. I love the way he makes me feel.

10 ... How many times do I have to cry because of him. And why does she make me feel like dying every time she opens her mouth?

I sit back and take one more... a deep breath in...

11 ... Maybe I am someone elses reason. Maybe I am the highlight to someones day. Maybe I am loved and needed here. Maybe there is a bigger reason for me.

I close my eyes and memories flow by. Good, bad and unforgettable. The times we laughed and cried, smiled and were too angry to even look at eachother. Then as I open my eyes for a split second everything goes black like a clean slate.

It is my time to start over and begin again. I'll try to build up the walls around me that people knocked down. I'll try to start the life that any teenager hopes for. A new life with new friends and true friends.

Rainbows

2005-01-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

I jump in the car and begin to drive. It rains and the sun goes missing. The sky above me is a gray slate. I keep driving and it's all the same. The rain is like my tears, they just keep going. It is unclear and gets harder to see. All of a sudden I get lost and the road is my life. I must keep going and it leads somewhere. The bends and turns are everywhere. There maybe a few forks in the road and you must choose the best path. Things finally start to let up. I see something familiar. I know my way for now. The rain slows and all of a sudden the sky was painted with a beautiful rainbow. Like my future it comes in time. I find my way home and as I pull up my street I look in the rear-view mirror and see the rain. I am leaving my past behind. It's no more.

After the storm the rainbow comes. The future is colorful and no one knows what's held at the end. So kiss the rain and live each moment. You may get wet but have fun on the way. . .

. . . JUMP IN PUDDLES! . . .

What goes bump in the night?

2005-01-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

It's running around me. There are flashes of light. It's here, then there, it's everywhere. Where ever I turn it's in my face!

I take a few deep breaths. I feel dizzy. I'm full of frustration, happiness, thoughts that are spinning me out of control.

Do they think with a few kind words they will win someone over? A once kind person who has spoiled and gone rotten. A bad apple that is known to everyone. Claims of changing are left to be proven. In the shadows something is lurking. You know what it is. The green eyes of envy, the red eyes of spite and malice, the black eyes of emptiness. Do they know they are becoming nothing. A small blip on the map. You know it's there but choose not to go, more of a road left not taken or less traveled!? Actions speak louder then words! The chance was there. They could of been a friend once before to all of us but NO! they weren't! The chance presented itself and they just pushed it out of sight and mind. We were not worth it then so what makes our friendship and wanting to be there for them so damn important now!? It's not there. That's the biggest fact. They were exposed. The thing that was lurking was so much worse then what used to hide under my bed, the boogy monster or the monsters in my closet, it was a person who didn't give a damn before. The person I thought they were once before is just like the monsters now, a figment of my imagination. Kind words to others that wanted to help and be there before does not excuse the fact that you were too good for us once before. What happens when the ones who have disowned you before choose to take you under their wing again. Then as you were to them we will become blips on the map, a nothing in your life.

Lets go to sea world!

2005-01-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

I sit here and try to think but nothing seems clear. I'm on one of my downer days. When you think nothing else could make it any worse, all you want to do is cry, one of those days.

I called him last week for the first time for as long as I could remember. The sound of his voice made my heart drop. It stopped for a split second but long enough that I had to try to catch my breath. It brought back so much. Never in a million years would I have thought that words would slip out of my mouth again. "I miss you". Those words would change so much but I didn't care. It was true I did miss him. What surprised me even more was that I got them back.
.......
Now today I talk to him for the first time since then and I confronted him. I told him what I had been feeling that night and the thoughts that had not left my head. I am still not over what I had thought I was all that time ago. With a couple of simple explinations and words exchanged the conversation ended and he left as quickly as he had come. It's over. Once again the feelings he had put into my head over a month and a half ago he took away. He was done with me once more. Just gone from my life. No more friendship, no friend left to confide in, no hiden feelings. It was all out in the open and I wish so much that it was still a mystery. I knew it was over and it has been for a long time but I miss having a friend in him. I wish we could still be best friends again but we can't it's over just like our relationship has been for a few months now. I do miss being his friend though.

Today she put the idea in my head. What if you got together with him like you wanted to before? What if you were back in his life? I haven't been able to shake that thought. Yes I have had a crush on him before but have I come to terms with myself and realized it just won't happen? I don't know how he feels, that's for sure, but at the same time I haven't asked. Yes we have become better friends and closer but would I just be searching for something that once again wasn't there? Sometimes the ride is all worth it but I have been on that rollercoaster of blind turns before.

One ride that seems all worth while is the one I take whenever I look into his blue eyes. I get lost in myself. I get lost in his thoughts and my thoughts about him. It seems so crazy even to myself but I love it. It's like swimming in water.

Forgive me for giving a damn

2005-01-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

I don't exactly know what to write about tonight. This is the first night I can actually sit up long enough to type something and I don't have anything to say. I have so many things on my mind but I can't speak one word.
I feel so many things right now but I'm not sure if it's all the medications I'm on.

I watched Oprah today. It was about the Tsunami. It really made me think about how lucky I am. I have been brutally sick these past few days and after I watched the show I just shut up. I never said another word about being sick. I sit here and complain over being able to lay around on my couch when so many lost their lives and don't have any place to sit and relax to get better.

In middle school 5 of us kept a friendship journal. I pulled out one of the ones I kept tonight. I read through it over and over. In the front a little message I wrote just made me smile.
"Hi everyone,
This journal is to hold all our feelings, good or bad. Katelyn and I read in a book, to keep close to your friends do something special. We thought it was the perfect way to keep us closer! So, whenever you are happy, sad, excited or would like to tell anyone anything keep it in this journal! (No matter how stupid you may think it is!) In the years to come we can all look back at this book and have a few laughs or even have to wipe away a few tears from out eyes!

Love you always!
Lindsay "

I was right. I look back and have to laugh. There were so many great times we had. In the past we have had so many differences and thought that our problems were the end of the world but looking at them now just seems so rediculous.

November 25, 03
Craze - I love ya so much! You are such an awesome friend. I am so happy I have you around. I hate when people get you upset. I promise you can always tell me if your upset or have a problem.

LuLu - Your amazig. I am glad you and Time are so happy. Luv ya lots!

Tweety - Your great. I feel like I can talk to you about anything! Your an awesome friend! I love ya so much and I'll always be here for you!

Babbs - You are my best friend. Not one friend could do what you do! You are the only one I can talk to when I'm in a panic or upset. I have no clue what I would do without you! I would never get over loseing you! You are like my sister. I love you so much. I think my world would stop all together if yu weren't around anymore. Things may be though but they will get better. I know it's hard to believe. God knows I didn't but look at me know! I have nothing to complain about things are getting better!

It's funny to sit here and look at how close we were and look at things now.

January 17, 05

Craze - It's always great to have you around. At times there is such a mystery to what you're feeling. Your an amazing person! You have such a kind heart and I know you'll always be there for me no matter what. We have good times and you always make me laugh. We have gotten so much closer over time and I'm so thankful to god for that.

Tweety - Things came to an end over and over for us. I think we finally put the final nail in the coffin but we will always have the memories good and bad. Maybe that's all we were ment to have.

LuLu - Over the years we have gone up and down a couple of times. We were always so close. It's hard not having you around anymore but it is something I have learned to come to terms with. Your an amazing frind to me still and you have proven to be loyal to me even to this day. I know for a fact now that when you told me you'd be there for me no matter what you really ment it. You helped me with problems in middle school and still do even to this day. That you for listening to me then and now. Thank you for putting a smile on my face and taking away my tears.

Babbs - Look at you now! Your still here! We have been friends longer then anyone. It's been us since day one. You have been there for me through good times and bad and picked me up when I had fallen. When I thought my world was crashing down around me there you were bulding it all back up. You have never given up on me or let me give up on myself. I still don't know what I would do without you. I'm so glad we are always there for eachother and I'm so happy that you have found someone else to be there for you now too. Your still like my sister (and a 5th daughter to my mother)! I love you always.

My "6 chicks" have gone to 3. The memories will always be there and we will always be the 6 which no one can replace but we will never be the same. Always is forever but our forever ended somewhere.